Tag Archives: personal growth

Being in Charge of Everything is a Tough Job

Posted on by
man holding a megaphone

I like control. 

I like that sense that I have the ability to change things to suit my desires. 

I just wish it were true.

Putting Feet on the Ground

Once over the initial shock of confronting a caregiving crisis, the cocky youngster in me decided that this should be easy to whip. Such hubris demands a solid response from the world, and the world did not disappoint in my case.

After a number of knockdowns, the idea that I was not really in charge began to dawn. 

I am not sure where in my upbringing this arrogance was instilled, but Real World experiences excel in providing me reasons and opportunities to reassess my assumptions.

Caregiving As Teacher

As I interact and observe behaviors in society these days, I am struck by the emotional flailing of individuals and groups trying to assert that they alone are the authority. 

It all starts to sound familiar.

Asserting demands is one thing. Actually having those demands met in the fashion you want is entirely different.

As I learned figuratively picking myself up for the umpteenth time when caring for others, recognizing when and what we control is important. Recognizing when we do not is even more important.

Being humbled is still a part of the human experience.

You can certainly loudly make your demands, stamp your feet, and refuse to move until you get what you want.

You may actually get something for your efforts, but there will be a price. Life is transactional in that to get something, you must give something.

Not everyone likes what they have to give in the transaction.

Choosing Peace

two person holding white and green peace wreath
Photo by Anastasiya Lobanovskaya on Pexels.com

The humility I developed over the course of caregiving experiences, focuses on reducing frustration and anxiety caused by trying to push that proverbial round peg through the square hole.

You have to wonder when life keeps serving up the same frustrating lesson to you that maybe you need to look at yourself as the cause. Just because you want to make the problem “out there” does not make it so.

Choosing acceptance, and learning to be grateful for what you have, are sometimes tough lessons.

Troubled Spirits

crowd on street
Photo by Joshua Santos on Pexels.com

Partly from being on the receiving end of some impassioned, though misguided, enmity lately, and partly from watching people and their respective decline in compassion for one another, I see the troubled times in which we live.

As a child, I grew up in the turbulent 1960’s and saw similarly difficult times. I also saw the world slowly regain its composure and sanity. 

I have hope that we will do that again.

Restoring balance, that peace of mind and spirit, starts on an individual level. We get to be that agent of change by embracing the opportunity that our life experience is presenting to us.

Finding that all of the frustration we have been feeling has come from learning that we are not in charge of everything after all.

A tough lesson but life is full of them. Time to get a grip.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

When the Best You Can Do Is the Best You Can Do

Posted on by
a person in tie dye sweater doing thumbs up

Caregivers come in all varieties. Industry managers to homebodies, we are a very diverse group. I like to think that this is due to common natural aging processes that prompt a need for care. Old age and infirmity do not discriminate.

One of our common traits is our dedication to tasks at hand. Yes, we despair at times and need some help for ourselves, but we regularly get back up on that horse and return to our avocation. 

We persevere.

Reality Bites

woman in gray tank top looking furious
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

A common human experience is frustration with the way things are and the way we would like them to be. Similar to many political discussions these days, learning to work the problems and devise attainable solutions is much more useful than standing in the middle of the floor and crying about how we are not getting our way in life.

Growing up can be tough at times, but as we mature (hopefully), we find acceptance of reality to be a feature of being human. We aspire to greater accomplishments, yet accept that our dreams and plans are not always supported.

Being a grownup is tough.

Compromise Sounds Like

happy doctor with arms folded in costume of superhero
Photo by Klaus Nielsen on Pexels.com

Accepting circumstances as they are is a superpower. Being able to unplug from the cascading emotions brought on by frustration is empowering. I highly recommend the practice.

Being a calm eye of the storm can, however, be misinterpreted as apathy to the untrained eye. 

There are still times when I feel like I am leaving a situation only half completed. Some of this guilt I think comes from the high expectations I have for myself. I should not be the one falling apart. I should be the one making the sensible decisions, I should, I should…

The lesson eventually learned is that with most caregiving situations, there is not a resounding success but a whimpering compromise that resolves the situation. Our high personal standards take the hit, but the reality is that our best effort is going to have to be enough.

Not defeat but a nod to our adversary, truth. The truth of our situation wins on its own terms, always. We will have the occasional success (Dad actually handed over his car keys without a fight!), but we manage the rest of the defeats with style and humility.

Being Our Best

black and white dartboard
Photo by Engin Akyurt on Pexels.com

As warriors in these conflicts, I think we often struggle with ourselves as much as our caregiving situations. 

We must.

We have to be strong for others. Since the path to those strengths is not clearly defined, we blaze a trail that is unique to us and our situation.

Cutting ourselves some slack as we meet these challenges becomes essential. When we have done all we can with the tools and resources available to us, it is enough.

Forgive. It is the best that we can do.

“Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine.”
― Roy T. Bennett

What Follows Is

Posted on by
photo of man leaning on wooden table

Caregiving is a spectrum of events. It would be great if it was just a one-and-done event, but it turns out to be a wee bit more complicated.

We are already familiar with the start. That often, defining moment that signifies the start. A sudden onset of illness or otherwise dramatic change in a person’s lifestyle. Cue the management of crisis, whether one is ready for it or not.

Then comes the daily challenges of caring for another that can stretch on for years and sometimes across great physical distances.

With the eventual passing of the loved one, there are final arrangements to be made and executed, but “final” is a misnomer.

As with any life-changing event (traumatic, if you will), there is personal homework that follows as we, the caregivers, digest all the experiences that occurred.

Our work is still not quite done, so pull up your grown-up underwear one more time and step off the ledge.

We are not finished learning.

Strange Conversations

man people woman art
Photo by Mario Wallner on Pexels.com

Some conversations can take place only after events have resolved. Put less delicately, the other person must be dead for us to say the things we need to say.

Yep, I still talk with the dead. Quite often, too.

There is much to be learned from these conversations.

In Dad’s case, our father-son relationship underwent an amazing evolution, much of which I have shared in these posts. These changes, however, did not stop with his funeral.

Part of the grieving process is to reflect upon the relationship with the one who passed. Remembering events and conversations that stayed with us over the course of the relationship. Some good. Some less so.

First time events, like road trips with Dad and the first photograph he allowed me to take, feel warm and cozy. Then, also realizing what a selfish SOB he could be, all starts to paint a thorough picture of him as a person.

Stepping away from my wounded feelings about the past allows for forgiveness and gratitude for that person who turned out to be fully human, like the rest of us.

The past, as I have found, can be a help to visit, but you probably do not want to unpack your belongings there. Like a good episode from the Twilight Zone, the past is not what it seems to be. The past can never give you all of what you need to live in the present.

Stepping Through the Door

anonymous man standing behind glass
Photo by Elijah O’Donnell on Pexels.com

We all learn lots about ourselves and the world in the course of caregiving. Put more succinctly, we grow.

We stepped up when we did not want to, and we learned to thrive. After the passing of our loved one is when the lesson of courage comes home. After the passing of our loved one is when the light bulbs of inspiration pop on.

Having these internal conversations and doing the homework of self-reflection shows us the person we have become. We are changed. We are different from who we were before events happened.

We stand straight and even use our real name when in public. We are authentic and proud of it.

While I do not know if I will ever get beyond my seeking my father’s approval, I feel he might just be proud of the me I am today. No longer the son looking up at him but the son standing next to him.

Coming full circle in a relationship feels funny. Coming full circle on a relationship feels right.

A New Year

As we sit on this cusp of a new year, my hopes for a less tumultuous and more constructive time are shared with all.

May peace find you and your loved ones this season and always.

“But there was a special kind of gift that came with embracing the chaos, even if I cursed most of the way. I’m convinced that, when everything is wiped blank, it’s life ‘s way of forcing you to become acquainted with and aware of who you are now, who you can become.”― Jennifer DeLucy

Caregiver Authenticity and Role Modeling

Posted on by
brave doctor in flying superhero cape with fist stretched

One of the things that I have found most attractive about caregiving is how I perceive caregivers. When I was first joining the ranks, I discovered that caregivers were of all ages, came from all walks of life, and arose from any cultural background imaginable. They were distinctive in the air of confidence they demonstrated. Not the cockiness or outright arrogance that is so popular these days, but a calm assurance that made me feel comfortable in their presence.

They were quiet. A particularly kind of dark quiet. The kind you value in a friend and dread in an opponent.

They welcomed me to their ranks without having to demonstrate any worthiness. To an observer outside, we were just different folks chatting in waiting rooms of hospitals and doctor’s offices, but a torch was being passed to the next generation. They knew I was wholly unprepared for what was coming and did what they could do to soften the shock. The reality is that the genesis of a caregiver is a highly personal series of events. There is no preparation. All we can do is to be there for one another.

Sometimes just being with one another is the best training one can receive.

My Heroes

woman on black folding wheelchair
Photo by Judita Tamošiūnaitė on Pexels.com

I must confess, as if the preceding did not already demonstrate, I am enamored of caregivers. It is not entirely hero worship. We are first and foremost human beings (foibles and all). Nor are we superheroes come to save the day.

Caregivers were and are just awesome people. Like a good friend about whom you know all their weaknesses and mistakes, yet you will want them at your back in a dark alley any day.

I find caregivers to be role models in a world where we badly need positive role models.

(Where did all the good role models go?)

Remember? Those individuals who struggled to do their best with what they had at hand. The people who possessed the strength of character to admit when they make a mistake. To not make up juvenile excuses for failure.

To persevere.

To lead.

Authenticity

In many respects, I think caregivers’ model some of our finest nature as human beings. No pretense or political camouflage. Just honest.

Caregiving (substitute “being an adult”, if you like) constantly teaches. We never arrive at some expert level where there is nothing new to discover. We are forever a humble student.

Errors along the way produce beautifully teachable moments – especially when we allow our arrogance to guide us and we do something so soundly stupid that we are reminded of who and what we really are. Human.

It is this authenticity that grounds me.

Caregivers are courageous enough to blaze personal examples without concerns for conformity or embarrassment. We are the first to step towards the problem.

We could likely be good targets for today’s cancel culture, though very few want to do what we do. We likely would not care anyway.

Indifference to hurt feelings is part and parcel to caregiving.

Score-keeping

scoreboard
Image by HeungSoon from Pixabay

Authenticity of character references the audacious nature of human beings in difficult circumstances. Personal losses and triumphs are just points along a spectrum for the caregiver.

We have a job to do (caring for others) and we will have to get back to you on your narrow concerns. Later.

Ultimately, it is actions that matter. Words, whether shouted, recited, or spoken, do not carry the same weight as doing. Caregivers give to the world in what we do. We may lose on the total score of things to ingratiate oneself to a group, but that is okay. We were not really concerned with keeping score anyway.

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

― Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit

« Older Entries