Tag Archives: caregiver

Learning to Be Quiet

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Engagement of crisis is a behavioral trait that often defines what it is to be a caregiver. While we may be a collection of insecurities on the inside, we willingly  step into uncertain situations. To this day, I am not sure where this intrinsic motivation comes from, but we get things done when a sensible person might just otherwise call it a day.

Essential to these problem-solving activities is our use of language to do what we need to do. Call me being overly sensitive, but idle conversation irritates me. (Probably why I never connected with the “show about nothing” aspect of the TV show “Seinfeld”)

I am stubbornly practical.

In our current day and age of the non sequitur, where conclusions for argument possess no logical connection to the justification, I lose patience. Stringing together unrelated statements can give the speaker an air of knowledge (think: word salad) but what about the rest of us that actually use language to communicate?

Is trying to sound important the same thing as being important?

Huh?

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The restlessness of people is remarkable. Meanings in a common language have been sacrificed for public displays of loyalty to groups. When perceived importance is emphasized over communication and understanding one another, I have to cry foul.

Life is too short.

Embracing emotional responses to another’s heredity, politics, or lifestyle choices, instead of nurturing communication, serves no one. As with the word salads, nonsense is just, well, nonsense.

While it is unfortunate that I find that I represent some truly horrible attributes in the eyes of some individuals, unless I have acted in such ways to deserve the disdain, I am just going to have to ignore the characterizations.

Life is too short to engage in imagined actions. If you are angry with others you feel have wronged you in life, you really need to take matters up with them. 

Not sorry.

It is All About Ownership

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I have weekly conversations with my Mom.

She lives in a facility now and likes to reminisce about old events, as well as grumble about current ones. (The cafeteria food is just horrible for her delicate diet, and my, don’t the neighbors have terrible things to say…) 

We do not have the more introspective conversations we once did, but she does enjoy the friendly talk. She does most of the talking, of course, because it is important to her.

Which is not to say I will not challenge her on some topics. Making sure she is safe and not being taken advantage of by others are my largest concerns. Beyond that, she gets to own the results of her own decisions and actions.

A feat easier said than done, I realize, but in a caregiving relationship (even from across the country), respect for communication is paramount. I am quiet when I need to be, and I speak up when I need to communicate.

As so many public conversations have degenerated to shouting matches these days, understanding that our power to not rise to the taunt, to be quiet, is one of our many superpowers.

Use it frequently.

“When war comes, some flee with great alarm while others step forth and quietly seek directions to the battle.”
― Stewart Stafford

Is Tech Leaving Seniors Behind?

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Like many children of a certain era, I was one of the designated channel changers for our family television set. (An early version of the TV remote control.) Jump forward a few years, and I had become the family IT person for programming VCR’s. Then home computing became a reality and I followed that flow of technological experience. I learned the new tech and applied it as directed by my parents. Those became our roles to play.

As with so many things in life, it has not been the new things starting that I noticed as significant, but more the older things that stopped.

Here, You Do It

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In the role of a child to a parent, we do not always critically evaluate actions, we just take them at face value. Dad says “You need to program my phone for me” and I just pick it up and get to work setting up the software. I may have included a few choice wise-ass remarks along the way but I was the dutiful child and followed orders. 

It was a healthy relationship.

Years later I realized that  I had been watching him quit technology in those moments. Right in front of everyone.

He just quit.

Mom recently reminded me of this as she contends with a web-based world that she does not understand and has no intention of learning. Ever.

Handing off technical interactions to the kids worked for my parents’ generation for many years. Which is a point that I think the business world did not pick up on along the way.

My parents’ generation did not struggle with new technology (email, Internet, and the like). They flat out refused to use it and delegated tech responsibilities to the kids. 

The bill for that revolution is now coming due.

Long Distance Runaround

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I recently helped Mom as she bought a home out-of-state. Lacking any discernible digital footprint (I had created email addresses for her that she promptly ignored), we used one of my email addresses and I acted as go-between relaying documents via snail mail to her.

A cumbersome but eventually effective process. She was happy with it. Surprisingly, the businesses were the ones struggling. Call it a post pandemic grumpiness, sales and title folks all fussed about “she just needs to go to our website”. 

As with the purchase of any home, you do not often get to work with the same person twice, so I got to schoolhouse many individuals on how Mom was going to do business.

The businesses did not take the news very well.

Fading apparently are the days of conducting business face-to-face.

From Where I Sit

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Perhaps I am too easy going. If something needs doing, and I am able, I tend to just do it. A personality characteristic of my birth order (first born) or maybe just my generation raised on courtesy and hard work – whether you liked it or not.

My parents, for whatever their motivation, responded to the changes that technology wrought on society with a quiet but firm “No way in hell.” I am not sure why they view things that way. Maybe they thought tech was a fad that would soon pass. My hope was that they would eventually want to take advantage of training programs for seniors but by the time they realized tech was here to stay, the learning curve just seemed too steep.

Maybe it is because they had us kids to take care of tech for them. We enabled their staying comfortable with what they already knew. Whatever the reason, they are now out in the cold.

Since the control of much of the business world has started passing to the Millennial generation, the disconnect from seniors has been finalized. There is no accommodation available. Get with the tech or go home.

It seems like my generation was a bit better groomed to the role of caregiver. Doing for others was part of our growing up. Our younger generation does not seem to follow that line of thinking. They had a different life experience growing up.

Caring for others is an essential lesson that, though some do not seem to have been exposed to the concept, they will just get the opportunity to learn it later in life. It is going to be a tough lesson for some.

“Science and technology multiply around us. To an increasing extent they dictate the languages in which we speak and think. Either we use those languages, or we remain mute.”

― J.G. Ballard

When the Best You Can Do Is the Best You Can Do

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Caregivers come in all varieties. Industry managers to homebodies, we are a very diverse group. I like to think that this is due to common natural aging processes that prompt a need for care. Old age and infirmity do not discriminate.

One of our common traits is our dedication to tasks at hand. Yes, we despair at times and need some help for ourselves, but we regularly get back up on that horse and return to our avocation. 

We persevere.

Reality Bites

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A common human experience is frustration with the way things are and the way we would like them to be. Similar to many political discussions these days, learning to work the problems and devise attainable solutions is much more useful than standing in the middle of the floor and crying about how we are not getting our way in life.

Growing up can be tough at times, but as we mature (hopefully), we find acceptance of reality to be a feature of being human. We aspire to greater accomplishments, yet accept that our dreams and plans are not always supported.

Being a grownup is tough.

Compromise Sounds Like

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Accepting circumstances as they are is a superpower. Being able to unplug from the cascading emotions brought on by frustration is empowering. I highly recommend the practice.

Being a calm eye of the storm can, however, be misinterpreted as apathy to the untrained eye. 

There are still times when I feel like I am leaving a situation only half completed. Some of this guilt I think comes from the high expectations I have for myself. I should not be the one falling apart. I should be the one making the sensible decisions, I should, I should…

The lesson eventually learned is that with most caregiving situations, there is not a resounding success but a whimpering compromise that resolves the situation. Our high personal standards take the hit, but the reality is that our best effort is going to have to be enough.

Not defeat but a nod to our adversary, truth. The truth of our situation wins on its own terms, always. We will have the occasional success (Dad actually handed over his car keys without a fight!), but we manage the rest of the defeats with style and humility.

Being Our Best

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As warriors in these conflicts, I think we often struggle with ourselves as much as our caregiving situations. 

We must.

We have to be strong for others. Since the path to those strengths is not clearly defined, we blaze a trail that is unique to us and our situation.

Cutting ourselves some slack as we meet these challenges becomes essential. When we have done all we can with the tools and resources available to us, it is enough.

Forgive. It is the best that we can do.

“Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine.”
― Roy T. Bennett

What Follows Is

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Caregiving is a spectrum of events. It would be great if it was just a one-and-done event, but it turns out to be a wee bit more complicated.

We are already familiar with the start. That often, defining moment that signifies the start. A sudden onset of illness or otherwise dramatic change in a person’s lifestyle. Cue the management of crisis, whether one is ready for it or not.

Then comes the daily challenges of caring for another that can stretch on for years and sometimes across great physical distances.

With the eventual passing of the loved one, there are final arrangements to be made and executed, but “final” is a misnomer.

As with any life-changing event (traumatic, if you will), there is personal homework that follows as we, the caregivers, digest all the experiences that occurred.

Our work is still not quite done, so pull up your grown-up underwear one more time and step off the ledge.

We are not finished learning.

Strange Conversations

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Some conversations can take place only after events have resolved. Put less delicately, the other person must be dead for us to say the things we need to say.

Yep, I still talk with the dead. Quite often, too.

There is much to be learned from these conversations.

In Dad’s case, our father-son relationship underwent an amazing evolution, much of which I have shared in these posts. These changes, however, did not stop with his funeral.

Part of the grieving process is to reflect upon the relationship with the one who passed. Remembering events and conversations that stayed with us over the course of the relationship. Some good. Some less so.

First time events, like road trips with Dad and the first photograph he allowed me to take, feel warm and cozy. Then, also realizing what a selfish SOB he could be, all starts to paint a thorough picture of him as a person.

Stepping away from my wounded feelings about the past allows for forgiveness and gratitude for that person who turned out to be fully human, like the rest of us.

The past, as I have found, can be a help to visit, but you probably do not want to unpack your belongings there. Like a good episode from the Twilight Zone, the past is not what it seems to be. The past can never give you all of what you need to live in the present.

Stepping Through the Door

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We all learn lots about ourselves and the world in the course of caregiving. Put more succinctly, we grow.

We stepped up when we did not want to, and we learned to thrive. After the passing of our loved one is when the lesson of courage comes home. After the passing of our loved one is when the light bulbs of inspiration pop on.

Having these internal conversations and doing the homework of self-reflection shows us the person we have become. We are changed. We are different from who we were before events happened.

We stand straight and even use our real name when in public. We are authentic and proud of it.

While I do not know if I will ever get beyond my seeking my father’s approval, I feel he might just be proud of the me I am today. No longer the son looking up at him but the son standing next to him.

Coming full circle in a relationship feels funny. Coming full circle on a relationship feels right.

A New Year

As we sit on this cusp of a new year, my hopes for a less tumultuous and more constructive time are shared with all.

May peace find you and your loved ones this season and always.

“But there was a special kind of gift that came with embracing the chaos, even if I cursed most of the way. I’m convinced that, when everything is wiped blank, it’s life ‘s way of forcing you to become acquainted with and aware of who you are now, who you can become.”― Jennifer DeLucy

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