Tag Archives: conversation

Learning to Be Quiet

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Engagement of crisis is a behavioral trait that often defines what it is to be a caregiver. While we may be a collection of insecurities on the inside, we willingly  step into uncertain situations. To this day, I am not sure where this intrinsic motivation comes from, but we get things done when a sensible person might just otherwise call it a day.

Essential to these problem-solving activities is our use of language to do what we need to do. Call me being overly sensitive, but idle conversation irritates me. (Probably why I never connected with the “show about nothing” aspect of the TV show “Seinfeld”)

I am stubbornly practical.

In our current day and age of the non sequitur, where conclusions for argument possess no logical connection to the justification, I lose patience. Stringing together unrelated statements can give the speaker an air of knowledge (think: word salad) but what about the rest of us that actually use language to communicate?

Is trying to sound important the same thing as being important?

Huh?

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The restlessness of people is remarkable. Meanings in a common language have been sacrificed for public displays of loyalty to groups. When perceived importance is emphasized over communication and understanding one another, I have to cry foul.

Life is too short.

Embracing emotional responses to another’s heredity, politics, or lifestyle choices, instead of nurturing communication, serves no one. As with the word salads, nonsense is just, well, nonsense.

While it is unfortunate that I find that I represent some truly horrible attributes in the eyes of some individuals, unless I have acted in such ways to deserve the disdain, I am just going to have to ignore the characterizations.

Life is too short to engage in imagined actions. If you are angry with others you feel have wronged you in life, you really need to take matters up with them. 

Not sorry.

It is All About Ownership

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I have weekly conversations with my Mom.

She lives in a facility now and likes to reminisce about old events, as well as grumble about current ones. (The cafeteria food is just horrible for her delicate diet, and my, don’t the neighbors have terrible things to say…) 

We do not have the more introspective conversations we once did, but she does enjoy the friendly talk. She does most of the talking, of course, because it is important to her.

Which is not to say I will not challenge her on some topics. Making sure she is safe and not being taken advantage of by others are my largest concerns. Beyond that, she gets to own the results of her own decisions and actions.

A feat easier said than done, I realize, but in a caregiving relationship (even from across the country), respect for communication is paramount. I am quiet when I need to be, and I speak up when I need to communicate.

As so many public conversations have degenerated to shouting matches these days, understanding that our power to not rise to the taunt, to be quiet, is one of our many superpowers.

Use it frequently.

“When war comes, some flee with great alarm while others step forth and quietly seek directions to the battle.”
― Stewart Stafford

What Follows Is

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Caregiving is a spectrum of events. It would be great if it was just a one-and-done event, but it turns out to be a wee bit more complicated.

We are already familiar with the start. That often, defining moment that signifies the start. A sudden onset of illness or otherwise dramatic change in a person’s lifestyle. Cue the management of crisis, whether one is ready for it or not.

Then comes the daily challenges of caring for another that can stretch on for years and sometimes across great physical distances.

With the eventual passing of the loved one, there are final arrangements to be made and executed, but “final” is a misnomer.

As with any life-changing event (traumatic, if you will), there is personal homework that follows as we, the caregivers, digest all the experiences that occurred.

Our work is still not quite done, so pull up your grown-up underwear one more time and step off the ledge.

We are not finished learning.

Strange Conversations

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Some conversations can take place only after events have resolved. Put less delicately, the other person must be dead for us to say the things we need to say.

Yep, I still talk with the dead. Quite often, too.

There is much to be learned from these conversations.

In Dad’s case, our father-son relationship underwent an amazing evolution, much of which I have shared in these posts. These changes, however, did not stop with his funeral.

Part of the grieving process is to reflect upon the relationship with the one who passed. Remembering events and conversations that stayed with us over the course of the relationship. Some good. Some less so.

First time events, like road trips with Dad and the first photograph he allowed me to take, feel warm and cozy. Then, also realizing what a selfish SOB he could be, all starts to paint a thorough picture of him as a person.

Stepping away from my wounded feelings about the past allows for forgiveness and gratitude for that person who turned out to be fully human, like the rest of us.

The past, as I have found, can be a help to visit, but you probably do not want to unpack your belongings there. Like a good episode from the Twilight Zone, the past is not what it seems to be. The past can never give you all of what you need to live in the present.

Stepping Through the Door

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We all learn lots about ourselves and the world in the course of caregiving. Put more succinctly, we grow.

We stepped up when we did not want to, and we learned to thrive. After the passing of our loved one is when the lesson of courage comes home. After the passing of our loved one is when the light bulbs of inspiration pop on.

Having these internal conversations and doing the homework of self-reflection shows us the person we have become. We are changed. We are different from who we were before events happened.

We stand straight and even use our real name when in public. We are authentic and proud of it.

While I do not know if I will ever get beyond my seeking my father’s approval, I feel he might just be proud of the me I am today. No longer the son looking up at him but the son standing next to him.

Coming full circle in a relationship feels funny. Coming full circle on a relationship feels right.

A New Year

As we sit on this cusp of a new year, my hopes for a less tumultuous and more constructive time are shared with all.

May peace find you and your loved ones this season and always.

“But there was a special kind of gift that came with embracing the chaos, even if I cursed most of the way. I’m convinced that, when everything is wiped blank, it’s life ‘s way of forcing you to become acquainted with and aware of who you are now, who you can become.”― Jennifer DeLucy

Tales of Bravery and Change

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I wrote myself a note. “Where did the stories of courage go?”

After over 2 years of being distracted by the spread of fear by our leadership and media, the motivations of those speakers are now becoming clear to see.

The caregiving experience puts our feet squarely on the ground, for the most part. We are the anchor in a wholly disorganized situation. When others give vent to their emotions and go screaming down the hall, we would really love to join in.

But we don’t.

A cooler sense of crisis management takes hold, and we work the situation. Contrast this with some of these national conversations and you see why many of us are tired of the drill.

Heroics and Humility

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True heroic actions of the past few years are unnumbered and were not performed for an audience. This selfless nature reflects the true courage it takes to perform such acts.

After observing public officials congratulating themselves so frequently, I realized that the stories of real courage have been crowded out of public view. Our conversations have started revolving around trending opinions and pseudo-stories in social media, instead of talking about and celebrating ourselves.

We really did it!

We have just come through a worldwide pandemic in which millions of people have died. Everyone’s life has been directly influenced by the pandemic and the related decisions of our leaders. Yet our conversational worries are about childish concerns of whether we like someone or their politics?

I think we are missing the point.

You’re Grounded, Young Man

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Instead of the concerns of our adolescence, like popularity and other peer pressures, the caregiver in me looks forward to the eventual pendulum swing back towards conversation instead of opinion. The ability of people to come together, recognize each other, and work towards the common goals of everyday living. No more injection of the emotional insecurities of some vocal interest groups.

Life is too short.

To recognize the everyday courage of people to handle family crises with as much grace as they can muster. These are the heroes of the world. We know these people. They are the ones who manage the unmanageable without complaint or fanfare.

These are the tales I look forward to hearing again.

Squirrels

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Part of the caregiving experience is filtering and managing emotions – both your own and the emotions of others around you. As others go running up and down the corridors of passions, we have a choice. We can engage their feelings and join in, or we can just let them run on their own.

In athletic parlance, this is known as letting the squirrelly ones go. Competitors who demonstrate erratic behavior to the extent that other athletes leave them alone because it is safer.

We have a responsibility to others but not for them. Recognizing that we have a choice in such matters is immensely empowering. Deciding it is time to pull up our adult underwear and go be a grownup is a wise, though not always fun, choice.

This is probably a good definition of what it means to be an adult. Imagine that. Please.

“Strength is about how you show up. It requires you to choose what energy and action you want to bring to a given situation. At its heart, Strength is about self-management. It’s not about controlling your emotions—it’s about honoring them and choosing what you do next. It’s hard to stay in control and get yourself off autopilot. It takes a lot of Strength to move through the world with more thoughtfulness and intention. And sometimes it requires a heavy lift!”
― Darcy Luoma

Who Are You Talking To?

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Family relationships come in only one format: complicated.

There are some common themes that we can share amongst ourselves. An unwieldy healthcare system and certain inevitabilities of aging that connect us together. Each relationship still retains a uniqueness that takes us into uncharted psychic and emotional waters.

Real Life 101.

Developing our own balance appears to be our homework assignment in this class. The cool part is that there are really no rules. We can be as efficient or as sloppy as we want. The hard part is that we have to grade ourselves.

We are pretty tough graders.

Can We Talk?

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At the risk of appearing maladjusted, I confess to speaking with the dead. Buried and long absent family members, friends, even old pets are fair game in my book. Sort of like therapists, they don’t respond but they do provide a familiar focus with which to interact. Like old friends, I speak with the dead in order to solve my current problems with the living.

Pretty crazy, huh?

I was encouraged in this form of problem-solving after discovering a wonderful movie called Mother Ghost a few years ago. Classified as a comedy/drama, I discovered a real familiarity with the characters. The way Mark Thompson’s grieving son character would bring a folding chair, sit down next to his mother’s grave, and have some frank conversations with the headstone in the cemetery lawn hit awfully close to home. My conversations tend to be more internal but the essence was there.

Know at end of day that you did the best possible – and so did the person(s) you cared for.

After a gig as a caregiver, there is a lot of personal work left for us to do. Unless you are walking away from all of the change and pretending that it doesn’t exist, which is certainly a choice (though one that I don’t recommend), we all have long conversations with ourselves. Using the dead as props or prompts can be a great help in focusing on the problem/question we are working.

Parts

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Managing ourselves in order to better help others is the main order of business. I (half) joke about ghosts but those memories help us form our present. We grow when we move on from the past. Sometimes the personal work is a free get-out-of-emotional-jail card. We get to resolve old disputes and discover new insights/possibilities.

We get to grow up.

When we get to complete that circle and be the age that a loved one once was when we knew them, we get to understand their decisions from that perspective of age. Seeing the past with older eyes allows light bulbs of understanding to go on and a comfortable acceptance sets in. How cool is that?

Understanding any part of family relationships is worth every bit of work it takes to get there.

Gaining Peace

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How we arrive at the growth and understanding of caring for others is up to us.

Know at end of day that you did the best possible – and so did the person(s) you cared for. There is no winning/right side of a relationship. Most of the results we experience are fuzzy and conflicted. We are sure we could have done a better job… if we could just do it over, however the house rule is that there is no do-over. All we have to work with is now. Our true job is accepting what happened and building. Everyone involved receives full benefit of the doubt.

If you’re still angry at someone (it could even be yourself), you’ve got more work to do.

It is always a less-than-perfect result in our estimation (I told you we were tough graders) but it is the best that Life has to offer us. Accept and discover.

“People you love never die. That is what Omai had said, all those years ago. And he was right. They don’t die. Not completely. They live in your mind, the way they always lived inside you. You keep their light alive. If you remember them well enough, they can still guide you, like the shine of long-extinguished stars could guide ships in unfamiliar waters.”

― Matt Haig

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