Dad's Back

There are plenty of experiences in caregiving that make you humble. Stretching yourself to meet demands that seem impossible, surprise you by becoming successes much more often than you ever thought possible. With a number of these impossible tasks under your belt, it is entirely conceivable to adopt a been-there-and done-that attitude.

What is the worst they can throw at you for being self-satisfied? Make you work as a caregiver?

Natural Resources

In studying and applying Science over the years, there are always slight variations to what we call “normal” anatomy. The truth of the matter is that there are no two bodies alike, even though we share a common design and function.

I am discovering the same wisdom about the personalities and behavior of people.

The world reaction to the pandemic has disappointed me in many ways. I once held an optimistic belief that people were commonly capable of responsible behavior under stress. That leaders would step up to take on the challenges facing the group, leave petty politics behind and provide tough leadership in difficult times.

In these times of adversity, a time that demanded a solid “normal” and responsible reaction, people provided actions across the spectrum of emotion. We, as a group, choked in the face of a real threat and redirected attention to theories disguised as political theatre and attacked ourselves. We failed to adequately take care of ourselves and one another.

I am entertaining the idea that there really is no “normal” for reasonable human behavior in difficult times. That the ideals that civilization has recorded and espoused over the millennia are just that. Ideals. Concepts no more sought after than the insincerity of the politician’s position on a topic.

People seem to be more basic than religion and philosophy have led me to believe, but I hope to someday be proven wrong.

Still Learning & Growing

As “a-ha” moments go, I have been experiencing some doozies lately. The biggest of which has been finding that not all caregiving or caregivers are the same.

Well, yes, we knew that already, Hal.

Okay. Let me explain.

The big discovery for me was not that there were different versions of providing care in the same way as there were different types of recipients of care. A person close to me recently shared what I describe as their lazy approach to caregiving. She spoke of contracting vendors and calling in orders, as opposed to rolling up her sleeves to do any caregiving work – and she was complaining about the difficulty of caregiving work.

Dumbfounded is probably the best description of my reaction. When it comes to caregiving, I am not normally at a loss for words. In this instance, I could/did not respond to this for fear of my anger bubbling to the surface.

This person’s actions may account for the commercialization of caregiving where you pay someone else to do the work for you BUT when you still call yourself the caregiver, I disagree. Caregiving makes us stronger by trying to kill us (or drive us crazy, at the very least). We are scarred by the events, not merely inconvenienced.

Do not get me wrong, there is certainly a need for assistance services like this. Not everyone is up to the physical challenges of providing care. There is however a dishonesty in hiring a subcontractor to do the heavy lifting, only to take credit for their work. Sort of like sharing how you are building a home but hiring architects and contractors to do all the work. If you are not swinging a hammer, you are not building.

With Confidence Come Humility

COVID has strengthened my ethical standards – A LOT. Then again, maybe my ethics are the same but my willingness to publicly stand with them has increased. I do know I prefer to speak of what I know instead of only what I think should be.

Moral indignation, while incredibly noisy and good for attracting attention to the speaker’s fears, often lacks supporting evidence to go anywhere as an argument. As with the confused communications of adolescence, we need to remember/understand that “No it isn’t” is not an argument – just being argumentative.

Speaking on caregiving derived from firsthand experience has a strength and richness that are sometimes difficult to explain to others. Sometimes it is just the stillness of silently being with someone facing up to the challenges for the first time. Sometimes it is cussing out the vendor or petty bureaucrat (who richly deserves the tirade) because of poorly executing their job.

As caregivers, we advocate. We are the front lines of the battle. Reading about caregiving or hiring caregivers are certainly experiences related to caring for a loved one, but they are not the same.

Raw Nerve

A caregiving experience is not proprietary but my surprise at my own reaction to someone else passing off their limited care history surprised me. Perhaps I should not be surprised.

I am experienced in caregiving and its aftermath, but I have not cornered the market on all the possibilities. Yes, we share in a number of common events that happen when caring for loved ones but apparently even more events are possible. I was naïve in thinking that someone would misrepresent themselves. Guess I value my caregiving experiences more than I thought.

Color me humbled by not having all the answers. The nature of people these days have been providing me with a Reality Check that I needed. I once had higher expectations of people in general but less so now. With my reasoning and assumptions appropriately updated, this goodly measure of humility has made me sharp.

“Thanks. I needed that.”

“Do actions agree with words? There’s your measure of reliability. Never confine yourself to the words.”
― Frank Herbert