Dad's Back

Gratitude is most often enjoyed as we look out the back window of Life. Whether after an event or a relationship has played out, gratitude is a wonderful mechanism that connects us to what happened, giving us connection to our current surroundings.

Gratitude can also sometimes present itself as an opportunity to change the future. To right injustices and replace hurt with love. This opportunity does not appear often and it can easily be missed, but being open to the option can maybe, just maybe, be a way to heal ourselves and others.

Disconnection

Parent-Child relationships are… well… complicated.

As a child of divorce, I learned how family relationships could go far outside of the boundaries of what “normal” means. My sisters and I stayed with Dad, while Mom built her own life. Ugliness ensued with us kids caught in the middle of parental arguments and I just found it desirable to step away from the battles. With time and distance, communication with Mom degraded and eventually stopped.

Relationships abhor a vacuum, so I absorbed some of Dad’s anger over his failed relationship. Since Mom wasn’t there to balance the equation, the new attitudes began to stick. My anger, vaguely directed at the person not in the room, progressively built. Before I knew it, I was just as angry as Dad.

Letting Go

I’m dumb about things sometimes. I love to hold onto the familiar – even when it drags me down, beats me up and makes life generally miserable. Still, I hold on.

Sound familiar?

Predating my sobriety, I hit a break point in my attitude about Mom. Acknowledging the anger, I so desperately embraced, I finally released my grasp on the emotions. In a moment that cannot be adequately described in words, I walked out of that prison of anger.

Re-Connection

Years and lots of personal homework later, I drew up my courage to reconnect with the woman I had not spoken with in over 30 years. Unsure of the reception I would receive, I was all in. I had to be.

Tentative conversations at first, Mom and I have come to share in something that is unique to our rekindled relationship. We have grown up conversations but there slowly has developed a tiny spark of what we shared when we were both much younger. We haven’t gone back but we are in the present with a connection to something back there. I wish I had the words.

Our roles have changed. I play the part of a long-distance caregiver as needed but she can still be the mom. We embrace the uncertainty of difficult situations and relationships, understanding the that time we have together is likely to be limited. We enjoy this new relationship that is in many respects an old relationship. Our shared sense of humor is truly priceless. Enjoying the ambiguities and absurdities of our lives, that we don’t have to explain to the other, is certainly part of the charm.

I found that re-connection is not about the past but about the present. Letting go of the hurt and celebrating. Celebrating the moments that we likely would have missed had we continued to embrace old emotions. Being grateful for the chance to do good and help heal both of us.

Just Lucky, I Guess

I place second chances right up there with luck. We don’t always get them. The key is to remain open to those fleeting moments and grab them as they pass by. I’ve not seen a third chance.

Finding your Self and your parent means finding peace within both. It means no longer sitting in judgment. It means growing up.

There is a bond… Between all of us. But it is hidden. Hidden like water in the clouds. You need to hit rock bottom to discover it.
― Ishaan Bohra