Category Archives: Self Care

When the Best You Can Do Is the Best You Can Do

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Caregivers come in all varieties. Industry managers to homebodies, we are a very diverse group. I like to think that this is due to common natural aging processes that prompt a need for care. Old age and infirmity do not discriminate.

One of our common traits is our dedication to tasks at hand. Yes, we despair at times and need some help for ourselves, but we regularly get back up on that horse and return to our avocation. 

We persevere.

Reality Bites

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A common human experience is frustration with the way things are and the way we would like them to be. Similar to many political discussions these days, learning to work the problems and devise attainable solutions is much more useful than standing in the middle of the floor and crying about how we are not getting our way in life.

Growing up can be tough at times, but as we mature (hopefully), we find acceptance of reality to be a feature of being human. We aspire to greater accomplishments, yet accept that our dreams and plans are not always supported.

Being a grownup is tough.

Compromise Sounds Like

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Accepting circumstances as they are is a superpower. Being able to unplug from the cascading emotions brought on by frustration is empowering. I highly recommend the practice.

Being a calm eye of the storm can, however, be misinterpreted as apathy to the untrained eye. 

There are still times when I feel like I am leaving a situation only half completed. Some of this guilt I think comes from the high expectations I have for myself. I should not be the one falling apart. I should be the one making the sensible decisions, I should, I should…

The lesson eventually learned is that with most caregiving situations, there is not a resounding success but a whimpering compromise that resolves the situation. Our high personal standards take the hit, but the reality is that our best effort is going to have to be enough.

Not defeat but a nod to our adversary, truth. The truth of our situation wins on its own terms, always. We will have the occasional success (Dad actually handed over his car keys without a fight!), but we manage the rest of the defeats with style and humility.

Being Our Best

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As warriors in these conflicts, I think we often struggle with ourselves as much as our caregiving situations. 

We must.

We have to be strong for others. Since the path to those strengths is not clearly defined, we blaze a trail that is unique to us and our situation.

Cutting ourselves some slack as we meet these challenges becomes essential. When we have done all we can with the tools and resources available to us, it is enough.

Forgive. It is the best that we can do.

“Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine.”
― Roy T. Bennett

When the Unimportant Tries to Be Important

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Language and ideas are sure taking a beating these days. From the false dichotomies used to pit us against one another, to the liberal use of what we once knew as bold-faced lies. It is a struggle to get along without feeling the suck that tries to pull us into someone else’s fight.

When I was taking care of Dad, little dramas kept springing up around the periphery of his day-to-day care. Minor issues of family disagreements or some logistical headaches of managing vendors/healthcare that would materialize and tried to sound important.

They were not.

Like the child’s tantrum in the middle of the grocery store, when any of these side issues threatened with big noises, the most appropriate response was to walk away. So much about outbursts is about gaining attention and control of a situation.

The answer is either a quick and easy solution that the problem always warranted or just a “no”. Not “go away, I hate you”. Just “no”.

Control is Simpler than You Think

I write in these posts about being more powerful than you realize. Understanding the tools that we possess, and the consequences of their use. We already possess effective response tools for the people and situations that wish to manipulate us.

With so much verbal pushing and shoving in the media, it can be hard to feel confident in deciding a course of action these days. The best and toughest (honest) filter is our own conscience.

Listen closely to what it has to say.

A Few Ideas

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Staying oriented sometimes feels like half the battle. I find I end up reminding myself of some of the new ground rules for modern interactions. Adopt or dismiss at your discretion.

  • Identify the lies. I grew up believing in the best of others, but COVID times have brought out some of the worst in people. Trust your gut feelings and act accordingly. Be willing to expect less from others.
  • Sometimes we just need to reclaim what is ours. If you sense peer pressure or notice the weight of an accusation, feel free to step off the carousel and put your feet squarely on the ground. A great way to retain what is yours is not to hand it over to others in the first place. We always have a choice. Always.
  • Leaving others behind really is acceptable. There is no requirement that we all finish at the same time. I know it sounds selfish but there are very few who are looking out for your best interest. Advocate for yourself the way you advocate for your loved ones. Ferociously, if necessary.
  • Not every argument is a hill to die upon. Some fights can cost too much. You decide. Cutting losses is sometimes the most constructive thing you can do.
  • Let go and move on your own path through life. Embrace the empowerment that living a life brings. There is no right or wrong way. We only need to make the journey.

Context

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This may just be the “preacher’s kid” baggage I carried while being “Father’s son”, but here it is. Realize that people can be less than good. This has been a lesson long in the learning for me.

Even when I worked in Social Services and tallied my success in the job by the number of death threats I received on a given day, I still held firm to a belief that underneath, people would still seek to help one another when given the opportunity.

I cannot say that I still think that way.

There is still good to be found out there, but society has changed in recent years. I am less hopeful for positive results now.

Can we change direction back towards where we once were?

I certainly hope so. I am not entirely pessimistic.

Am I grateful for the tough lessons that life has been teaching all of us lately.

Always.

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”
― Bertrand Russell

Make It Simple

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Life gets complicated but it really can get simpler.

More accurately, our approach to Life can be made simpler. Life will always be complicated.

It all starts with simplifying. Finding the joy in a summer afternoon in Nature, or just the welcome voice of a friend on the phone (sometimes even an email).

Recognizing the simpler things around us can make us whole.

Too Busy

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Count it as a side effect of the COVID-19 pandemic but reconnecting with our true natures, not the highly suspect social commentaries found in our media feeds, is an essential activity right now. We need to heal and grow from our experiences, even at a time when groups are working to interfere with that healing.

It is not selfish to prioritize ourselves. There comes a time when we need to tell others to take a hike. Groups do not prioritize the welfare of individuals. Ever.

In taking on the responsibility of caring for ourselves, concentrating on self is a solid first step. The “what” and “how” follow logically. Making it fit is the challenge. Especially when we have allowed too many unimportant activities to take root.

Letting Go

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There is a great concept called minimalism. Distilling down to the essential and casting off the non-essential.

Releasing anger surprised me. It was like dropping a feather from my grasp and watching it float away on the breeze.

Apply minimalism to your decision-making. Find out what is truly important in life and what is not. Your choice. The distinction between the two may surprise you.

Like many people, I confess to being a hoarder of emotion – usually negative ones. As a child of divorce, I was in the middle of many ugly fights between parents. The result was a deep anger related to both parents that I held for years.

Carrying anger that felt like oversized luggage just became normal. Given the nature of hindsight, letting go of the anger did not even occur to me.

Getting older brought about some personal homework and I eventually looked at what I was doing. The result was letting go of that emotional baggage. Releasing anger surprised me. It was like dropping a feather from my grasp and watching it float away on the breeze. Only when I was carrying the negative emotions was it ever heavy.

Reconnect

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I am frequently discovering how a little simplicity can produce outsized results.

The most profound simplicity is that of Human touch. Whether a courtesy extended or the physical intimacy of a hug or handshake, connecting with other people is one of those simple and essential activities that makes us feel whole.

People are hard-wired to be together.

Especially after the isolation of the pandemic and the ongoing social divisions that we are experiencing, it is essential that we reconnect with one another. Whether an old friend or a casual acquaintance, reach out.

If reaching out feels a little uncomfortable, that is normal. We are all a little out of practice right now. The important thing is to connect with people again and frequently.

Do this for you. Do this for us. And just keep it simple.

Simplifying your life is about simplifying yourself.
― Tamerlan Kuzgov

A Gift of Caregiving

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In case you have not tried it, writing about caregiving experiences can be very therapeutic. Whether viewing events in life’s rear-view mirror or swimming chest deep in the caregiving experience, writing lays out a lot of the details for the writer to reflect upon.

You will discover some especially cool “a-ha’s” along the way that teach some wonderful lessons that we can learn in no other way. Reflectively looking at events and emotions can provide much needed perspective. You will likely surprise yourself.

girl frustration caregiving

Frustration 101

I think that most of us can agree, frustration is one of the most common emotions in caregiving. Frustration with the poor decision-making of our loved ones, frustration with the bureaucracies we engage, and especially frustrations with the critical evaluation of our own actions (i.e., I sure could have done THAT better).

The difference is in how we choose to respond to these frustrations. Such choices are unique to each of us.

We all know that person who finds fault and problems with every situation. Ever feel like you are becoming that person?

Even when we occasionally channel that sort of personality (we all have our moments), why aren’t we always that way ?

I like to think of it as the frustration effect. We share the experience of repeated frustration – one annoying situation after another. Getting angry is the normal reaction and works for the first few occurrences. After a while, however, we start to see that anger doesn’t solve problems. We just end up angry and the situation is unchanged.

As we used to say years ago, “Well duh?”

We hit that fork in the road where we can choose to respond like a child and be angry or we can be courageous and try something different. Letting go of anger is the single best thing we can do and is by far the hardest thing to do. Growing up is not for sissies.

growing up teddy bear

Liberation

Letting go sure gets things done. Letting go takes us places.

When preparing to move Dad into Assisted Living, I ran into that wondrous growth opportunity of transition from the dependent son role to being a parent to my parent.

My struggle with this transition was surprisingly difficult. I didn’t want to leave. I still wanted to be the little boy and be cared for. Stepping out of this dependent character and moving into a character of responsibility, knowing intuitively that there was no going back, was one of those landmark moments in life.

In the same definitive ways that family members respond to the incapacity of loved ones (either they step up or they don’t – there is no in-between), this personal choice is all in or not at all. No negotiated half measures. It just is what it is.

Alternatives

I worked in Social Services many years ago. Tough job. I worked alongside some truly wonderful and courageous people who had been warped by the negativity of a dysfunctional system. They had stayed too long.

Circumstances can change participants in constructive and destructive ways. Even in caregiving, we have some tough choices to make. Resenting having to make the choices does not help. The anger just binds us tighter.

Denial is powerful. Hope springs eternal that there is some magical workaround that will fix things to our liking. Problem is that there really are no cheats available. The Kobayashi Maru only exists in fiction. Reality just offers consequences.

juggler

The Hard and the Soft of the Matter

We certainly develop tough shells as caregivers. We must. We make tough decisions and work tough situations every day.

The difference is that we balance this toughness with a deep abiding love for the people we care for. We take the lies, evasions, and often poor decision-making of the ones in our care and put all those issues aside, like any good parent would do.

We are powerful in the knowledge that having chosen the harder road, acceptance instead of anger, we provide the highest quality care. Because when the end comes, and it does come, we finish knowing that it was a good day. We had done our best.

Never underestimate this knowledge of yourself.

Your choices and actions were never wasted. You made a difference.

“I’m not… I’m not without a heart,’ he heard Sophia say, her chin raised, eyes straight ahead. ‘I’m not. I just don’t have the luxury of being soft. I am trying to survive.”
― Alexandra Bracken

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