Dad's Back

For anyone who has been transformed by a caregiving experience, there is a discovery process about the subtle (and not subtle!) changes that occur in our personalities that extend out to our personal relationships. The role reversals and the wholehearted pushes to move outside of our comfort zone that result in altering not just who we are but how others come to see us.

Who would have thought that working to help another could change so many things?

Leopard Spots

I recently attended a seminar in which we all participated in yet another of those find-your-personality-type exercises. I ended up standing with a group with a dominant personality type that felt slightly off from my usual but I went with it.

As the facilitator came around to each group, she asked us what our secondary traits tested out to be. I explained that my being an introvert would explain a lot of the test data.

She stated “You’re not an introvert.”

I figured okay; the personality test says I’m extroverted. Fine. When’s lunch anyway?

But the idea still bugged me the rest of the morning. I’m an introvert. Always have been. Always been told I was. Like a leopard and his spots, it’s what I’m stuck with.

Right?

Gear Shift

The Canadian Red Green Show comedy program would often invoke the tongue-in-cheek Man’s Prayer (“I’m a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.”) and I felt like I had finally joined that club. To be open to the idea that I have substantially changed was one thing. To lose my lifelong label of “introvert” was something different. I kind of liked the introvert role after all these years.

I had to admit it though, the old label really didn’t fit anymore.

After a heartfelt apology/thank you to the facilitator, I pressed on to see how this newfound perspective might be useful. I didn’t have to wait long.

The Power of Us

Finding a new voice with which to speak with others is one thing. Becoming a voice for a group is really different.

Working in a collective bargaining group, distilling the variety of wants and needs down into succinct bargaining points is pretty wild. Personalities are all over the place and herding all of these cats is largely my job. The standout distinction of the process is that people now come to me to fix their problems. Not just labor and workplace issues but also personal concerns.

Similar to teaching, some people are happy to hand their troubles over for someone else to solve. There are also those who are more than happy to vent their fears and frustrations on you because of your role in the organization. Two sides of the same frightened person coin really.

Perceptions of Power

Whether someone is pulling on my attention to help or to argue, so much of my work comes down to empathy. To remember what it was like to have Life falling down about your ears (the pandemic certainly fits that bill) or to invoke anger because it is the only available emotion that makes you feel like you can control something in Life, are all squarely on the caregiver emotional spectrum. The difference is that I get to step away from the emotion this time.

At least I try to.

It is still hard to limit the empathy to just the objective concept of the emotions without connecting with the emotions themselves. They don’t call it empathy for no reason.

On the other side, I also see how one can be perceived to be strong. Strength comes from surviving adversity. Survivors are sometimes known to be less affected by adversity by what I call the been-there-done-that attitude. We know that giving flight to all of those emotions doesn’t really help, so we don’t.

Attracting attention from other people just takes a little getting used to. I just have to occasionally remind myself that all those years of comfortably wrapping myself up in the anonymity of introversion is history. I’m from there but I don’t live there anymore.

Climbing Out

I’m still getting used to this new suit of empowered way of thinking and doing but I keep validating that it is a good fit. By finally giving myself permission to be a person that developed from those dramatic caregiver days, I am gradually feeling more comfortable in this new skin.

The pandemic continues to spook folks – both those in charge and those taking directions from those… ahem… leaders. I long ago accepted the concerns and challenges that a novel coronavirus like COVID-19 has presented to us. I am happy just soldiering on and encouraging those around me to join in the march. I’m not following some emotionally-charged ideology but just being me and doing what I judge is best to do with the information I have at hand. Screwing up is still entirely possible but the alternative of hiding and waiting is not happening on my watch.

Care to join?

“Crisis is a window of opportunity that is not obvious to many people and does not last for a long time.
We should learn to take advantage of it and come out as victors rather than victims.”
—Dr. Lucas D. Shallua