What Follows Is
Caregiving is a spectrum of events. It would be great if it was just a one-and-done event, but it turns out to be a wee bit more complicated.
We are already familiar with the start. That often, defining moment that signifies the start. A sudden onset of illness or otherwise dramatic change in a person’s lifestyle. Cue the management of crisis, whether one is ready for it or not.
Then comes the daily challenges of caring for another that can stretch on for years and sometimes across great physical distances.
With the eventual passing of the loved one, there are final arrangements to be made and executed, but “final” is a misnomer.
As with any life-changing event (traumatic, if you will), there is personal homework that follows as we, the caregivers, digest all the experiences that occurred.
Our work is still not quite done, so pull up your grown-up underwear one more time and step off the ledge.
We are not finished learning.
Strange Conversations
Some conversations can take place only after events have resolved. Put less delicately, the other person must be dead for us to say the things we need to say.
Yep, I still talk with the dead. Quite often, too.
There is much to be learned from these conversations.
In Dad’s case, our father-son relationship underwent an amazing evolution, much of which I have shared in these posts. These changes, however, did not stop with his funeral.
Part of the grieving process is to reflect upon the relationship with the one who passed. Remembering events and conversations that stayed with us over the course of the relationship. Some good. Some less so.
First time events, like road trips with Dad and the first photograph he allowed me to take, feel warm and cozy. Then, also realizing what a selfish SOB he could be, all starts to paint a thorough picture of him as a person.
Stepping away from my wounded feelings about the past allows for forgiveness and gratitude for that person who turned out to be fully human, like the rest of us.
The past, as I have found, can be a help to visit, but you probably do not want to unpack your belongings there. Like a good episode from the Twilight Zone, the past is not what it seems to be. The past can never give you all of what you need to live in the present.
Stepping Through the Door
We all learn lots about ourselves and the world in the course of caregiving. Put more succinctly, we grow.
We stepped up when we did not want to, and we learned to thrive. After the passing of our loved one is when the lesson of courage comes home. After the passing of our loved one is when the light bulbs of inspiration pop on.
Having these internal conversations and doing the homework of self-reflection shows us the person we have become. We are changed. We are different from who we were before events happened.
We stand straight and even use our real name when in public. We are authentic and proud of it.
While I do not know if I will ever get beyond my seeking my father’s approval, I feel he might just be proud of the me I am today. No longer the son looking up at him but the son standing next to him.
Coming full circle in a relationship feels funny. Coming full circle on a relationship feels right.
A New Year
As we sit on this cusp of a new year, my hopes for a less tumultuous and more constructive time are shared with all.
May peace find you and your loved ones this season and always.
“But there was a special kind of gift that came with embracing the chaos, even if I cursed most of the way. I’m convinced that, when everything is wiped blank, it’s life ‘s way of forcing you to become acquainted with and aware of who you are now, who you can become.”― Jennifer DeLucy