If I Had It To Do Over Again

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Hal Edghill

Do-overs.

That childhood name for all of those things or situations we really wished had turned out differently. Somehow we never entirely give up on the concept, even though we intellectually come to understand other realities as we grow into adulthood.

With the passing of family to whom I had been a caregiver, I find that I go through a period of self-evaluation. I’m not sure why. I understand that any decisions I make now have no effect on outcomes but it seems to part of my nature to return to the scene and dissect my actions.

So when the diagnostic technology progresses with simple tools (usually the best and most reliable), I cannot help but to wonder if I knew at the outset a clear diagnosis of something like dementia, would I have acted or decided differently? Would any of us?

Hindsight is that friendly little dog following you home that you think is adorable but there is no place for it in your household. You shoo it away but really wish you could take it home to live with.

So I recently visited my past – partly to glean lessons that I need to apply to today, and partly to gut-check my perceptions of my actions in the past. As a person who actively seeks to minimize my regret-load, I was happy to find that I continue to follow a path that is much healthier than some I have followed in the past. Acceptance of oneself is a tough skill to develop but well worth the efforts.

So the long story short, is that even with the things I have learned, and that care-giving is by far one of the most difficult things one can do in Life, I would step right up and do it all over. Not for me but for the people for whom I have and continue to to care. Not a shadow of regret or reluctance. Somewhere along the way, care-giving went from a job I performed to a definition of who I am.