Tag Archives: growth

I Thought I Was Wrong, But I Was Mistaken

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upset young black guy covering face with hand while working remotely on netbook

How did apologizing get so out of style?

We used to hear, “Sorry. My mistake. I goofed” during our daily events. Admission of normal human fallibility, while always a sensitive point, used to be freely offered and acknowledged. In appearing to others as fallible as we really are, we kept tempers even and conversations ongoing.

Bad Actors

There is a persistence of social media players trying to find ways to insert disruptive ideas, both real and imagined, into our daily conversations. In the continued abuse of these platforms, these shady characters are trying to convince the masses that what we once knew, can no longer exist.

I beg to differ.

The real world is still here, headlines to the contrary notwithstanding.

The skill set that caregiving equipped me with includes a grounding in a shared reality of given situations. It also includes a BS detector such that if something does not sound quite right, it probably is not.

When folks get up on their virtual soapboxes and start spouting absolutes (from both ends of the political spectrum), I automatically adopt a skeptical stance. The point-of-view that a listener must be with us or against us, is just exaggeration. I have been up against far more difficult and reality-based decisions as a caregiver.

What these folks are selling, I do not want.

The Strength of Humility

People have flaws.

People possess flawed ideas.

It is all good.

Really.

Such imperfections are a beautiful part of being human. Pretending otherwise is only an intellectual exercise. Such exercise often resides in intellectual communities that like to conjure “What-ifs”.

An essential element of reality is ownership. When we make a mistake, we are connected with the ideas and the moment, hence the opportunity for embarrassment.

Stepping up to own an error provides learning opportunities that are available in no other fashion.

We all had tests in school. We rarely got all the answers correct. Hence, there is always something to learn from our errors.

Finger-pointing 101

Are there really shortcuts in life?

I like to hope so, all the while knowing that reality always dictates a transaction. To get something, it will cost you something else.

With so much effort being put into ways people are justifying not taking responsibility lately, I like to think they are missing out on a lot of opportunities. Avoidance of responsibility is not a growth activity. Sorry.

Powerful change comes from taking actions, not refusing to perform. In the same way that holding others accountable for your happiness or life circumstances fails to produce the change one may desire, all the hyperbole in the world does not change a thing. It takes someone stepping up and to make a change.

shallow focus of sprout
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Hope For the Future

I work with younger adults and I have had a recurring conversation with many of them lately. As one of… ahem… an older generation, I have the luxury of speaking oft times from firsthand experience.

These younger people are concerned about all the anger and uncertainty in the world today. Rightly so. We live in interesting times.

I share a message of hope.

I grew up during the madness of the 1960’s, similarities to today’s war of extremist views are hard not to draw. As a kid growing up during those times, I noted the march of time and change that happened whether the polarized groups wanted it or not.

We will get back to a different social environment eventually. It will just take time.

This age of outrage and hysteria will give way to more moderate conversations.

The adults will come back into the room soon.

I sure hope so, anyway.

The willingness to forgive is a sign of spiritual and emotional maturity. It is one of the great virtues to which we all should aspire. Imagine a world filled with individuals willing both to apologize and to accept an apology. Is there any problem that could not be solved among people who possessed the humility and largeness of spirit and soul to do either — or both — when needed?

― Gordon B. Hinckley

Choosing Your Own Path

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diverging path in Paris

We are living in an age where extreme ideas abound. We are being pushed, pulled, and bullied by many groups in society. People are failing to thrive as a result. The good news is that we as caregivers already know how to succeed under these circumstances. Making abnormal circumstances normal is a mad skill that caregiving develops in all of us.

Think about it. Working with the physical and emotional care of a loved one while engaging a new world full of uncertainties. We managed to navigate healthcare and government systems, while juggling the personal needs of our families and our loved.

What’s a few folks yelling at us because we won’t drop everything to pay attention to their concerns of the moment? Pffttt! Caregivers are perfect for this new world.

Hallmark Behavior

What is the most common behavior exhibited by people in these crazy post-COVID days?

If you answered “angry”, I think you are on the right track. Anger is a symptom of the disorganization we are all experiencing. Lashing out at things we do not recognize or understand is typical. We want our “normal” back!

The challenge is that the world has significantly changed, as it always does, but the change came through rapidly and people are having difficulty adapting. Pressure is coming from several sides at once and the resulting anger is a perfectly understandable reaction.

My Vote

confusion woman
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

As a student of human nature, as well as looking through my caregiver lens on the world, I see confusion as a predominant behavior in people today.

Thoughts are far from organized and actions are uncoordinated (have you noticed how badly people are driving these days?) We face a dramatic change in life circumstances, and we are not managing our responses very well.

It does not help that there is no lack of opportunists stepping up to tell us how we should resolve our uncertainty – just sign up with our group. “We have all the correct answers. Honest”

The problem is that the solution does not fit the problem. Needs of the group are certainly being met but people still lack the individual assurances they seek to solve their confusion. Life still does not make the same sense as before the crisis.

Perhaps the answer does not come from outside groups.

Developing That Solution

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

People need agency with which to conduct life. That is, we all need effective tools with which to solve our problems. If an activity does not address our actual needs, it is of no use.

Complaining about the other side of an argument can surely seem like we are doing something. At the end of the day, however, yelling, however loudly, does nothing to solve a problem. It lacks the agency (think: power) by which the individual can address and correct their problem.

As educators can attest, students learn best by doing. New ideas and tools are fun to explore but in looking around, we appear to need more practical solutions to our uncertainties and confusion right now.

One size solution will not fit all. As we have all seen, not every family member is suited to caring for an ailing parent or loved one. There are always the ones who bail out at the first indication of trouble. They are not bad people – just that running away from the challenge is their best response.

We see them around us in society right now. Shouting from the sidelines and egging on the squabbles taking place in the media. They are certainly a busy lot but not very productive.

Then there is the other, quieter, group. Those of us willing to wade into uncertainty and see what kind of solutions we can create. We are willing to try, fail, learn, and go again. We are also not nearly so noisy because we are busy working the problems.

Defining a Path

path in a forest
Image by Joe from Pixabay

With such opposite groups, I think the method of constructively responding to circumstances can be a shared solution. Bear with me a minute.

If we are all humans with a shared human experience, a solution developed on that experience would be a functional one. Right? Cultural influences will factor in, but our “humanness” is where we start creating answers to the problems of the day. Our shared humanity, not the names we call each other, is what we build upon.

What I propose is responding to our need for personal stability with activities that develop strength of character. Supporting one another but allowing individuals to learn in their own way. Yes, to even fail in their attempts. As we have found, supporting a sense of entitlement does not develop strength of character. Responding to challenges (as we are doing in society now) does.

Make eye contact and say “Hi” to strangers. Hold open doors and practice the courtesies we were taught when we were younger. Talk with people. The people I interact with are surprisingly happy to respond with courtesies in kind. Press releases about the horrors of human interactions to the contrary, I find that people are still people. We do still like one another’s company.

Practicing an Optimistic Persistence

With age, I carry lessons I have learned in life. I know what I know. Seeking a higher good in others and ourselves is important. I am often disappointed in this quest, but I still persist in the effort. It is who I am.

The current prevalence of sideshow antics in society provides us with the golden opportunity to walk away from the toxic situations. Nothing constructive is happening in these circumstances, so walking away sacrifices nothing. Walking away, however, is very empowering. Taking back control of our circumstances does wonders for one’s self-confidence and self-confidence is such a superpower.

Be the role model. Be the mentor.

Strength comes from within. Sometimes it just needs a little nurturing.

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou

When Death Smiled and I Smiled Back

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a walkway inside the cemetery

In a caregiving relationship, there is more to the story than just helping another person with their problems. There is an intimacy between people that comes with this sort of relationship and there is something more. There is that ominous something else in the room. Something only glimpsed out of the corner of the eye. Something that feels like the proverbial elephant in the room that bears down on conversation but no one wishes to acknowledge.

There is always death.

There, I said it.

Death makes us squirm. That end-of-life certainty that everyone avoids. Death is far more noticeable when helping someone as they progress through their final journey. It was probably there all the time. We just tumbled to the fact under these unusual circumstances.

Funny thing, though. As the loved one approaches their demise, death becomes a much more familiar entity. It is always underfoot but not obtrusive. Death becomes almost friendly.

woman with white hair and black paint on face
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Don’t Be Morbid

As we have seen in society in recent years, the intrusiveness of death can really put the whammy on some people’s behavior. Fear does funny things to people.

From officials of society, education and business doing a really good Chicken Little imitation, to a broader incivility problem among the public, the presence of a disease that has a solid track record of killing people (COVID-19) just made things real. Fear on a world wide scale.

Our views on death and the dying process are as varied as we are as people. Religion obviously has a profound effect as funerals and burials are a regular part of religious practice.

As a preacher’s kid, I was around a lot of older individuals in the church. They had a habit of dying naturally over the years, prompting the need to attend ceremonies that are ostensibly designed to send off the dead but in reality are only for the living. All that ritual and flowery language failed to inform me.

woman s face
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Close but Not Quite

As a teen, when people who were close to me began to die, I responded in a fashion like what we have seen in society in recent years. I just lost it.

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross had it right. The first response to grief is denial. I could find no reason to connect the death of a friend with any sense of normalcy or natural process. (Besides, as a teenager, I was going to beat the odds and live forever.)

It is from these experiences of adolescence that I recognize so much of the weird behavior around us today. Having once gone crazy over death, I know that neighborhood. Am I ever glad I moved out.

two men inside moving vehicle
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Death Upon Arrival

With the start of my caregiver adventures, I was older and felt a difference that I ascribed to finally being more of a grown-up. I made sure to distract myself with the business affairs at hand. As I had done as a grad student, I just kept my head down and feet moving.

Eventually I had to pause to catch my breath and I realized things had changed. I had changed. Dad and his situation had not changed but I was finally seeing a something that I had spent loads of energy and years trying to ignore.

This was not something I had sought out but there it was, staring me in the face. It felt like those dreams or movie scenes where you see the charging demon descending upon you. You close you eyes to wait for the inevitable contact – but it doesn’t come. When you open your eyes, the vicious creature that you thought was going to devour you is calmly sitting next to you on the sofa.

That was my adult introduction to death.

I recognized death for the first time and blinked. When I opened my eyes and my heart to the experience, I began to understand the world and my self without the menace we place on our view of a final passing.

The truth, well my truth, is that I am developing an understanding of death. I have seen it in others, and I have found a connection to it in me. Don’t get me wrong – I have absolutely no interest in becoming more intimately acquainted with dying in the immediate future, but I have a fundamental understanding what I will someday be up against.

You too.

Death is that quiet passenger in the back seat of the car. Full of potential changes but choosing to quietly go along as I journey through my life. The uncertainty of what lies beyond will always be there but having seen others make the transition with this same passenger in tow (and the peace and acceptance that many of them demonstrated at the end), I may be arriving in Dr. Kubler-Ross’ final stage of Acceptance.

I like to think so, anyway.

“Just as when we come into the world, when we die we are afraid of the unknown. But the fear is something from within us that has nothing to do with reality. Dying is like being born: just a change”
― Isabel Allende

Being Creative in Your Arguments

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Arguments may not be the first thing you think of when caring for a loved one, but it is one of those really, really useful skills we develop along the way. In fact, we get pretty good at it, whether we intended to or not.

I can hear many of you cutting straight to denial and saying, “I don’t argue”.

We have all heard the phrase about “we can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way”. If all we’ve known is the easy way, learning the hard way to argue is intimidating at first but surprisingly simple to pick up. It’s a handy skill too!

As a former introvert who was terrified of engaging in any sort of disagreement, I can attest to the transformative power of caregiving and developing expertise in verbally taking on all comers. Arguing fires up your creative juices and plants your feet firmly on the ground – if you are doing it right.

Ground Rules

selective focus photography of male umpire
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The basis of our arguments, whether with your loved one or an outside agency, is that you are not here to win. The media have been presenting some all-or-nothing “rules” about arguments lately. Disagreement is about getting your point across in a way that you can achieve your own goals. For most of us, these goals are advocating for the care of our loved one.

If you are out to win at all costs, it will cost you much more than you bargained. Keep your eye on the bigger picture and expect some compromise.

This is not to say that a strong argument isn’t sometimes an excellent strategy. I have had my fair share of toe-to-toe debates with burned out civil servants and air-headed salesclerks over support services for a loved one. These exchanges are also oddly calming and empowering when the stakes are important.

As gratifying as such arguments might be, I have never found the justification for such a fight with my loved one. These arguments are far more nuanced and require a lot of patience and creativity.

Practical Considerations

First off, it is time to suck it up, grow up, and work your problem. When the argument is with your loved one (cognitive deficits may also play into the conversations), not being right when you desperately want to be is often a good outcome. (Did I ever mention that humility is a large part of caregiving?)

Arguments about low stakes situations (think: getting a dawdling someone to finish getting dressed in order to leave for an appointment) are handled as you would running a marathon – endurance wins the day. Check your expectations and allow yourself to be wrong, especially when you know that you are right.

Humility provides us with the golden opportunity to grow personally. By taking on the challenge to tackle an issue in a creative way, we have the chance to redefine roles and purpose of the argument. As uncomfortable as the idea may make you feel, we must outsmart the person we are caring for. When this is a parent or authority figure, it is a tough but necessary adaptation.

Check that ego of yours because it will not be needed beyond this point.

photo of man touching his head
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

An Ouch Point

In preparing mentally for an argument, there is some point around the taking command stage (that infernal parenting of a parent action) that really starts to bug me. The caregiver job demands a willingness to be the bad guy and bargain from a decidedly not-a-nice-guy position.

(If this was a comfortable character, we would not be caregivers in the first place because we would have bailed out long ago.)

This has never been a warm and cozy fit for me, so if it feels a little tight and scratchy to you to, that is normal. Acceptance of our job is sometimes more work than we prefer but we do it anyway.

Building Your Arguments

Hollywood and political portrayals notwithstanding, arguments are not necessarily loud one-offs.

Not being a naturally argumentative person, I came upon this insight a bit later in my career. Sometimes the most effective strategy to accomplishing your goals is to circle back around and approach the subject again from a different perspective. (Be creative!) Things like driving privileges may be better addressed through an incremental series of gentle non-threatening conversations instead of a knockdown/drag-out that will result in a draw.

Never underestimate the resolve of your loved one. They may not be able to toilet themselves, but they will take you to the mat over any overt attempt to take over their lives. Let them win some small disputes in order that you might win the important ones.

Reasoning is also far less effective when the parties are emotional. Some of my best winning arguments have been when no one was visibly upset. Even in the face of cognitive deficits, middle ground can sometimes be found for agreement. You just have to fish around to find the combination that works.

White Lies

white floor lamp beside white painted wall
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One technique that I share reluctantly is the use of little fictions with our parent’s childlike thinking. Lying was never an act that was tolerated in my own childhood (I am also terrible at it too) but I have found that it does have its applications when administered with kindness.

Painting a positive picture for a loved one, as opposed to sharing a much harsher reality of their decline, can be a difficult task. (The song lyrics of “Tap dancing on a landmine” come readily to mind.) To kindle ideas that we are preparing them to reenter a difficult world, knowing that we really are not, gives hope. False hope, true but hope, nonetheless.

The loved one may even be wise to the deception, but it is a pleasant deception.

I remember discussions Dad and I had about how, even with a leg amputation, he was looking forward to buying a car that would be outfitted to accommodate his disability. I had already sold his car to pay off his indebtedness and knew that his residence in assisted living pretty much defined his future, but we enjoyed the exchange. I could have said “no” and corrected his perceptions but instead the conversation was an upbeat fiction that satisfied both of us.

Perspective

We in no way resemble a superhero. A caregiver is always a human being struggling with challenges. From these experiences we grow and become fulfilled as a person.

Learning to fight with and for the best interests of another builds character and gives our own lives a quality that cannot be obtained in any other fashion.

Bless us all.

“The most important tactic in an argument next to being right is to leave an escape hatch for your opponent so that he can gracefully swing over to your side without an embarrassing loss of face.”
― Stephen Jay Gould

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