Anger and aggressive behavior are among the most challenging realities many caregivers face. When dementia progresses, personality changes, verbal outbursts, threats, and other forms of aggression can become symptoms of the disease itself. Understanding this does not make those moments hurt any less, but it can help caregivers recognize that these behaviors are often part of the dementia journey rather than a reflection of the relationship they once shared.
Family Training
I grew up believing I had an excellent childhood. Not because life was easy or filled with luxury. In truth, we were relatively poor and learned to make the most of what we had. What made those years memorable was the support of family. Like any family, we experienced our share of difficulties. Some were small, such as moving to a new location every year or so. Others were much larger, including divorce and the challenges that followed.
Through it all, family remained constant. We argued, supported one another, and learned life’s lessons together. Those experiences built resilience.
One thing that never entered our home was violence.
That is why receiving threats from a loved one living with dementia was such a shock. It took time to process the experience. There is plenty of ugliness in the world already. Dementia often seems to amplify it, turning up the volume on emotions, fears, and impulses that no longer have the filter they once did.
The Two Sides of Anger in Caregiving
Having angry or violent rhetoric directed at me by someone I cared about was deeply unsettling. Looking back, taking time to truly process those experiences was one of the most valuable investments I have made.
What I eventually discovered was that the aggression directed at me demanded growth. It required me to become someone different from the sheltered child I once was.
Caregiving toughened me – not in the sense of becoming cold or detached, but in learning how to absorb difficult moments without allowing them to define me. One of the most important lessons was understanding that the anger belonged to the disease and the struggle my loved one was experiencing. It was not my anger to carry.
That distinction changed everything.
Instead of shutting down emotionally, I learned to stand firm while refusing to connect myself to the negative energy being thrown my way. The words still hurt, but they no longer controlled my response.
Interestingly, adversity can reveal strengths we never knew existed. If I could develop that kind of resilience while defending myself emotionally, what other strengths might be waiting to emerge? What other parts of my personality could grow under pressure?
Caregiving has a way of asking those questions.
Today, I find myself both tougher and more compassionate. I have developed the patience to endure difficult caregiving moments while also becoming fiercely protective of the person whose needs I advocate for, even when they are the same person who may have just shouted at me moments before.
The Hidden Skill Every Caregiver Develops
When I reflect on what caregiving has taught me, one skill stands above the rest: patience.
- Patience with the person receiving care.
- Patience with the disease.
- And perhaps most importantly, patience with myself.
I have never met anyone who stepped into caregiving fully prepared. There is no factory producing ready-made caregivers with all the necessary skills neatly packaged and waiting for use. We learn through experience. We grow through challenges. We stumble, regroup, and continue forward.
In a culture that often celebrates quick results and instant expertise, caregiving is different. There is no shortcut to becoming the person this role requires. The qualifications are earned one difficult day at a time.
Yet there is something remarkable in that process.
The person who emerges from caregiving is often stronger, more resilient, more patient, and more capable than the person who began the journey.
The road is not easy. Some days will test every ounce of your strength. But with time, you may discover that caregiving is not only shaping the person you care for. It is shaping you as well.
Be strong. You are growing even on the days when it does not feel like it.
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
