Role reversals, when younger family member(s) assume parental duties over a parent, are just part of the caregiving landscape. Most of us do not like them. We probably did not want them in the first place. Yet here we all are.
Meltdown on Aisle 3
Who knew that wanting to cry in frustration was going to be an adult thing?
I figured that my temper tantrum days ended with an argument over not getting my way during a childhood grocery shopping trip. Mom set me straight at 5 years old and the lesson had stuck. At least until I started sensing some of the same emotions when Dad’s health took a turn and literally everyone looked at me for the next steps.
“I don’t wanna!” seemed an appropriate thought at the time.
Not wanting the job of caregiver is natural. As I have mentioned before, not everyone is suited to the task. Some people offer their excuses and exit stage left as quickly as possible. The rest of us just suck it up and ask ourselves what do I do next?
Funny how the caregiving situation always involves a binary decision. There are no part-time caregivers. You can fulfill caregiving duties on a part-time basis but the commitment is 100% or zero.
Wanna-be’s
I am generally accepting of all lifestyles and choices. The point at which I have no tolerance is dishonesty. Lying will get a swift and decisive response from me. Becoming a caregiver is a moral decision.
On a few occasions, I have run into individuals who claim to be caregivers, but something does not ring true. Their statements are perhaps a little too glib and lack the accounting that goes with the conflicts of changing roles.
There is a quiet strength to caregivers – emphasis on the quiet. We all have war stories to share, certainly, but respect for the people we have known is the foundation of each tale. Sort of like listening to war veterans when they are attempting to tell a true story. The story tends to end without a conclusion. (“Someday this war’s gonna end”)
I guess I have a very poor poker face when encountering caregiver pretenders. I get quiet and hold eye contact. They stop and then move off the topic. Sometimes they angrily move off, but they do move. For me, there is no room for disrespect and I guess it shows.
Fighting the Change
Bargaining with oneself is a common occurrence when contending with a role reversal involving a parent. I tried to keep playing the son role to Dad, even after his decline had reached a stepping-off point. He tried to be Dad and I tried to be Son, but the message that my Dad was really gone finally hit home.
We want to be terminal kids to our parents. We felt safe and nurtured all those years. We would be crazy to not want that.
Anger from frustration does not fix anything in human interactions. We continue to witness such demonstrations in our newsfeeds daily. What we need is acceptance of reality, work towards solutions, and implementation of change. Temper tantrums do not help anyone.
An important lesson of caregiving is that we will likely not be happy with many things in Life and our goal is to learn to accept just that fact. We will not like that we have to treat our parents like they treated us in our childhood. Our task is to be courageous, take up the challenge, and perform as best we can. The goal of caregiving is never about us. The goal of caregiving is taking care of them
Perspective is everything.
“It is worse than useless to do things halfway Bee, for then you think the work is done, but someone must come behind you later to do it all over again. Even if you must work much harder and get less done, it is better to do the whole task the first time.”― Robin Hobb
Dad's Back 