Last Looks

Caregiving is great at pointing out the impermanence of things… whether you were interested in being confronted with such lessons or not.

Lots of things have endings. Movies, meals, and books all have finite boundaries that we accept when beginning any of them. Seeking out the adventures contained within such activities provides us with the experiences that give us something of value. Not always tangible, though a good meal with good company is certainly a positive in-the-moment event. Experiences that can create memories we resurrect in the future.

As change inevitably comes, we eventually are left with the memories of things that have passed.

This has to be enough.

Acknowledgement

Taking on new challenges will put us to work. Letting go of what is comfortable is a much tougher task.

When my parents divorced, I was a 13-year-old eldest child. Custody battles and loads of recriminations marked the years-long breakup. Not surprisingly, I ended up with a whole bunch of confusion and anger.

Thirty years later and I am attending a self-help seminar where one of the homework assignments was to address a sticking point in my past. The assignment was to intentionally let go of the emotion I associated with that memory.

Like uncapping a bottle of soda that had been thoroughly shaken, the anger, fear, guilt, and a whole load of confusion burst forth. This time, however, I did not gather it all back in.

I was learning to let go of the baggage I had always associated with the memory..

Liberation feels pretty good, too.

Feet On the Ground

As relationships change rather dramatically over the course of caregiving, being aware of associating emotion with memories becomes important.

Grief brings about emotional responses that are part of the healing process. Loss is real and it is important for us to feel the feelings we are feeling, if you will pardon the alliteration. At some point, however, it is important to move on and grow from our losses.

Stoic responses to loss need to be addressed also. Being human means being human. Accepting where we are in the moment and letting memories be just memories.

Each of us works according to our own schedule of these emotional, or lack thereof, responses but personal growth is always a healthy goal to seek for the long term.

Last Looks

Coming to terms with endings seems to be another of those “adult” things we reluctantly do in Life. Not to sound morbid but seeing the end (of a life, relationship, etc.) approaching is part of the experience.

Last moments are important for everyone involved.

A friend of mine in graduate school tragically died in an automobile accident. Though disfigured, her family chose to have an open casket ceremony for her funeral. The funeral home tried really hard but the resulting body was difficult to view. It took some time to be able to conjure an image of her in life when that last “picture” was foremost in my mind.

Seeing caregiving and life events progress towards endings now, I pay special attention to those approaching endings. Last looks tend to stay with us, so when we have choices, choose wisely. Saying goodbye when it really is goodbye is important.

Keeping a “Life is too short” attitude helps.

Celebrate the beauty that life offers us everyday and embrace the moments we are offered. Take the opportunities and say the things to important people in your life that you always wanted to say. Do the things you always meant to do but never got around to doing.

Caring for yourself in this manner is not selfish. Let me repeat: you are not being selfish. We owe ourselves care with the same obligation that we have in caring for others.

Not regretting choices in living is important. I hope it is for you too.