Ask any caregiver about the work they do and they will likely describe tasks accomplished. Breakfast was eaten, their charge was dressed and set into motion for the day. Nothing of great consequence. Just another day.
What is often not mentioned are the multitude of little things that go missing over time from the daily routine. The interpersonal exchanges of activities or words that no longer happen.
Loss is loss, no matter which way you cut it but how we handle loss is key to empowered caregiving. Not just surviving the tasks of caring for a loved one but learning to thrive in that environment is something that everyone can manage. It all depends on how you choose to respond.
Positivity
Find the fun and humor in activities. It is there. Even self-deprecating humor in which we make fun of our own foibles (i.e. accidentally overcooking a meal) can be the basis of wonderfully human moments that you will cherish in later days.
Despite our best efforts, we do not possess superpowers, so the inevitable goof is coming. Capitalize on it and enjoy the laugh at your expense. Laughs can be few and far between at times, so savor the moments.
Take Charge
Understanding that certain things are out of your control, take command of the things you can change! Approach circumstances with the perspective that you will make things happen.
Your loved one may start the day in a grump. You have the choice to follow that lead or make the day a different one. The choice is always available to you.
Create the memories that you want to have after the person is gone. In the face of all the things you would rather avoid, you have these seemingly tiny areas where you can make something valuable – both to your loved one and to you. As you have likely discovered, there are no second chances now, so make these efforts count!
Acceptance
Loss is always inevitable but how you process it is up to you. To accept the loss of a loved one, whether piece-by-piece as their pathologies slowly take parts of their person and personality away over time, or with their sudden passing, accepting the naturalness of events is crucial to your Healthy survival. Illness and death are events that we all would prefer to avoid but accepting them as we work is the greatest good that we can find.
Being there in a way that helps your loved one and helps you grow as a person, is always possible.
“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
― John Green
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