Mom is mad at me again.
I did not give her the response she wanted from me and she got angry. Angry enough to hang up on me, only to call again the next day.
Dementia strips away a lot of the filters we all use to be civil in society. It has been said that we experience a second childhood when we get older. Dementia just amplifies that effect.
Not A Pep Rally
Dealing with Mom’s emotional volatility is one thing. Dementia is a package deal. It is challenging for the sufferer, as well as the caregivers and family surrounding them.
When these same behaviors are demonstrated by people in society however, I have to call the foul. I get that there are differences of opinions and things we do not like in life. A solid rule we (hopefully) learn early on is that we are often disappointed with the hand we have been dealt. No amount of yelling or stamping of feet is likely to change the outcome, though.
Life is about doing.
Cheering for your team, or booing the opposing side, changes nothing. Arguing is not action, though it sometimes seems like it is something at the time.
Part of this whole adulting thing is, through practice (LOTS of practice), learning to hold ideas in mind without connecting into emotion. This emotional intelligence is what produces cooperative work among groups of people with diverse views. (Are there any other kinds?) If every disagreement is a battleline, nothing constructive can be accomplished. Agreeing to disagree allows for communication between all of us.
Wanting “Yes” but Getting “No”
Life is full of trade-offs. Compromise is the basis of negotiation, not winning. I am not sure how people have recently arrived at the expectation of always getting one’s way. The error of that expectation is usually corrected in childhood.
Perhaps childhoods are just different now.
Adults who employ adolescent behaviors do not enjoy an improved rate of success in using such techniques, yet there many still persist. The expectation of continuing to employ methods that fail honestly eludes me.
It seems like an emotional switch has been thrown for them and the shut-off is missing.
For many elderly, the switch is organically missing. I am unsure how to justify the same approach by younger individuals. Perhaps there truly is an underlying pathology that can be explored by medical science.
And in Response
We can all share a greatest hits accounting of people’s bad behaviors of late, but a more constructive action is to look at how to respond in a healthy manner for both listener and speaker.
No matter the language or otherwise egregious behavior, our only responsibility is in how we respond to the inappropriate actions. Truly we are not responsible for the behavior of others. Whether kind or aggressive, our strength lies in how we choose to respond.
A great many arguments are designed to engage us in the other’s argument where the odds of accomplishing anything constructive are neutralized. Namecalling does nothing to further a disagreement to a constructive conclusion.
Our greatest power in response is non-engagement of their dead-end argument. To change the script. The person has often already crafted a scenario in their mind as to how the argument should progress. Instead, I like to engage issues at hand to create conversation instead of the argument that was envisioned.
Think of a child having a temper tantrum. The constructive solution is not to engage the tantrum but to acknowledge the child. This change in tantrum energy creates a different event.
Since the elderly can at times exhibit similar types of behaviors, it is better to acknowledge the person and not engage the behavior. Back in the day, there was a snarky comment to snub others. “Thank you for sharing” works well to diffuse outbursts, though without the associated sarcasm.
How About Avoiding the Emotional Response
An adult response to childish behavior, whether from a child or adult, is to acknowledge without adding emotion. From where I sit, such an approach could go a long way in diffusing the pretty heated political debate of late.
It may be cliche, but not engaging the other person’s emotional demands can evolve into a real survival strategy.
“They are trying to kill me!!!!”
“Okay, Mom. Did you get the blanket I sent you?”
“Oh yes! Thank you, sweetie.”
Oftentimes, changing the script (a little distraction works great!) makes both of us calmer.
“Very often in everyday life one sees that by losing one’s temper with someone who has already lost his, one does not gain anything but only sets out upon the path of stupidity. He who has enough self-control to stand firm at the moment when the other person is in a temper, wins in the end. It is not he who has spoken a hundred words aloud who has won; it is he who has perhaps spoken only one word.”― Hazrat Inayat Khan
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