Life not meeting our expectations would seem to be more of a rule than an exception, though one might be hard pressed to find evidence of this in current society. All the wailing and stamping of feet fueled by social media access certainly does a great job of amplifying the disappointments. While obnoxious, all of the noise does possess a certain entertainment value for adult observers.
Putting On My Caregiver Hat
The caregiver experience affords us a pragmatic set of tools with which to respond to the universe. When confronting what seems to be insurmountable challenges, the caregiver figures out how to work with what they’ve got available. The perfect solution we all envision gives way to what is the best possible outcome with what is at hand.
Not lowering expectations but adjusting expectations that fit the possibilities.
Perfection will just have to wait.
Practical Experience
Discovering that such realistic training occurs in other fields is heartening.
In our younger days, Dad, as a not-so-spry fifty-something bailiff, found himself enduring police academy training in order to retain his job.
Not an easy challenge at any age.
I was able to participate in an evening of practical training challenges at the facility. From mock vehicle accidents to staged “bar fights”, it was a blast to help set a scene for the deputies in training.
At the end of the evening, all of us “actors” were allowed to observe a profoundly humbling scene.
We watched as a unit rolled up to the scene of a reported domestic dispute. As officers got out of their vehicle, the front door burst open, a screaming woman ran onto the lawn, and a man followed her to the doorway with a shotgun. He leveled the gun at her, fired, she went face down on the ground and no longer moved. The man retreated into the home and slammed the door.
The entire drama took only seconds to unfold.
The officers retreated to their vehicle and broadcast radio conversations included requests for additional help. All such requests were denied. You are on your own.
No One is Coming to Help
At some point in life, I think most of us are confronted by such seemingly overwhelming challenges. As caregivers, it is a certainty.
The fact that no one is coming to help is not a resignation to failure but a motivation to take on a challenge in which we do not already know the outcome. We may prevail or we may not, but success is only gauged by our participation in the process.
Small minds build arbitrary goals by which to assess success. (Only if you accomplish this, can you say you have succeeded.) The truth is far more ambiguous.
We succeed by taking action in the face of uncertainty. We expect little from others and everything from ourselves.
There is no grade for our performance. The grace we earn is in the doing.
“The nuns taught us there are two ways through life, the way of Nature and the way of Grace. You have to choose which one you’ll follow.
Grace doesn’t try to please itself. Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts insults and injuries.
Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things.”
― Terrence Malick
Dad's Back 