Legacies

When working with Dad during his declining years, I remember those oh-so-valuable conversation where we said the things we wanted to say. Conversations that eventually would become no longer possible. Talks of financial and burial arrangements that were thinly disguised versions of “I love you”. Bittersweet today but were just “significant” talks back then.

Those talks were also a passing of the torch from the older generation to the younger. Dad was signing off on things that he felt reassured I had in hand. I was just doing my best to reassure, having no idea of what I was signing up for.

Transitions and Caregiving

The thing that served for handing down this mantle of the male head of the family to me was caregiving. Stepping up to the challenge, the scope of which was so vast that I couldn’t even make sense enough to be afraid of it, I hugged Dad and assured him that I had everything under control.

Oh my. That was the last thing I was sure of at that moment.

Then that inheritance of responsibility started to kick in. It was sort like competing in a sporting event. Things happening all around you, much of which you have no control over, and you find your calm place inside yourself from where you direct thoughts and activities. An eye of the storm that rages around you. Doctors, hospitals, Assisted Living administration, and family all spinning off in different directions and I’ve got it handled.

Absolutely.

I am my father’s son and I’ve got this.

Truth be told, during scarce quiet moments during those years, I didn’t want any of it. The little boy in me just wanted things the way they used to be. I also knew that they never would be.

Inheritance

Long after crises have passed, figuring out what I inherited has been slowly creeping in over the years. I certainly grew as a person but I also grew out of being the son. Discovering I am not who I thought I would be has been a journey in itself. The caregiver in me is still alive and going strong. I am now also a son to my mother, from whom I had been estranged for many years. Our relationship is growing but it is based upon this maturity and not just roles. In some ways it is the same as when we were younger but in some ways it is different. It’s always different.

I am not where I ever envisioned being at this stage in life and that is the constant throughout all of these experiences. My inheritance is this becoming who I am. Never what I expected but what I’ve got. It is also so much richer than I could ever have imagined. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.