Getting a handle on things. We are good at that. Solve the problem. Implement the solution. Done and dusted.
So what happens when problem solving eludes us? Things are spiraling out of our control and out of our grasp. We just… can’t… quite… make it turn out right…
A New Problem or an Old One?
Dad was nothing if not hard to predict during those last few years. Dementia does that.
Most all of his life had been spent heading over to that greener pasture that was certain to be so much better than here. He handled problems with a surefire method – move away.
I remember growing up and spending at most 2 years in the same school. Not knowing any different, each new town was the start of a new adventure. Fun, scary, and exciting all rolled up into one.
In a lot of ways, Dementia didn’t bring on too many new behaviors – just amplified the existing ones.
As Dad liked a regular change of scenery, in those last few years there was not so much a frequency change but an amplitude change. Changes were just so much more dramatic. When bored with the Assisted Living facility in which he lived, it was not enough to want to move. The intolerable circumstances that he envisioned, demanded a change of location, business arrangements, and most of the people around him. Same old wanderlust – just played at a louder volume.
A New Solution
My original approach was to drop everything to solve Dad’s problems. Work, school, and marriage took a backseat as I stayed stuck in my “dutiful son” role of taking care of the “old man”.
This time he threw me a twist. This move would be a distance and include new caregivers.
I remember sitting and trying to think my way out of the situation. Nothing would work. Like whenever I’ve played chess. I saw the end coming but not the way to succeed.
Then an idea slowly glowed to life in my exhausted mind: just let it happen.
The more I worked this idea around, the better it fit the situation. Hey! I didn’t have to die a martyr over my control of the situation. I loved Dad and I could fix the unsolvable by letting his situation go.
Astoundingly simple.
To Know Better
I don’t know if my siblings quite understood my relief when they stepped in to the caregiver role (they may not even to today) but I learned that releasing that need to “do” and “fix” can actually be the biggest “fix” for a unfixable situation.
Situations generally fix themselves all on their own. While managing crises is important to a number of us, the problems will resolve all on their own even when you leave them alone. Maybe not to our liking but they still resolve. Stepping aside can sometimes the most helpful (and smartest!) thing we can do.
These days I am still present for family and friends whenever I can help but I have also learned to care for myself as well. I’ve found that I do have boundaries beyond which very little useful results. We can’t fix everything (though we’d like to). Settling for simple acceptance can often be a healthy step forward.
Stay healthy my friends.
The day I understood everything, was the day I stopped trying to figure everything out. The day I knew peace was the day I let everything go.
― C. JoyBell C.
Dad's Back 