Finding Peace: The Acceptance of Loss

Loss is inevitable.

We give up things so we can grow. Childhood toys give way to the clothing and cars of adolescence. Which are eventually are replaced by the trappings of adulthood. We give up to get.

Caregiving is an activity that amplifies this because the process of giving up involves cherished parts of our lives. And if you are like me, we are sometimes dragged by circumstances kicking and screaming to make many of these sacrifices.

So getting with the program, we learn to let go of things and persons that we have become intrinsically attached to over much of our lifetime (i.e. parents). Household circumstances change and we cope with the ultimate and permanent loss of a loved one. It feels like we’re doing it all wrong but we’re not.

Surprise! You Are Doing It Right

A good first step in accepting the losses that we are handed is to understand that you are managing things correctly. That is, if your intent has been to help with the resources available to you at the time, then you are good. Unintended consequences are part of the deal but that does not negate the good you do.

Learn From Others

One of the things I have found is that for every quandary of care-giving that I have found myself in, someone else has been in the same such problem before. Every time.

So network with other caregivers and share notes. It is always gratifying to find that you truly are not alone. The Internet provides a plethora of groups and bulletin boards when you can share information/wisdom. Some are incredibly helpful while others attempt to suck your soul out so that you can wallow with them. Like so many things related to caring for another, learning to say “no” is an invaluable survival skill.

Study Up

Publications can also be a terrific help! Whether following Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grieving, or approaching things with a more holistic attitude, there are a lot of really great resources that can clue you in to where you are and where you may be going next.

For additional reading on care-giving, The 36 Hour Day can be a godsend of validation and information. Don’t let the title mislead you, the ideas and lessons contained apply to most any care-giving circumstance.

An oldie but a goody is aptly named “How to Survive the Loss of a Love”, now available as an e-book.

There are lots more self-help books on the market but these are ones that were quietly slipped to me as a caregiver new to my circumstances. They provided perspective and hope for the battles to come.

Find Spiritual Support

No matter what flavor your religious views, or lack thereof, use them. Connecting ourselves to something greater can give us perspective on the all too earthly battles we are waging.

Religion and Philosophy won’t give us all of the answers but they can help give context for a tough time.

Learn to Say Goodbye

Whether due to an abrupt change or incrementally over time, we each develop our own language of goodbye. Whether verbalizing our feelings, or non-verbally in the doing of little things to comfort our loved one, we all find ways to let go.

Whichever way works for you, use it. Now is not the time to sow the seeds of regret that haunt later. Say and/or do the things you need to. All of them.

Saying goodbye allows us the emotional release to close one door in order that another may open. We give up to get.

Closing Thoughts

Savoring the loss can also be a part of the grieving process but remember that you are just visiting. Don’t unpack and move in!

We all move on in different ways. Finding your path and learning to let go of the necessary will provide you the peace you seek at the end of this journey. It also prepares you well for such future journeys.

It is all good.