While not a rule (we are notable for a diversity of skills and attitudes), caregivers are more often made, than come equipped for the job. Stepping out of a comfortable role as a family member, only to hit the ground running in a leadership role, is quite the change.
As we become leaders in our lives, our perceptions and participation in society also evolves. Groups of people we had come to rely upon for thoughtful guidance may question our loyalties.
Questioning assumptions about our role develops and groups can become uncomfortable with that type of inquiry.
Nothing lasts forever. Especially relationships.
Belonging or Not
Once upon a time, how I felt about myself had much to do with those around me. Did I hang out with the right people? Did I participate in approved activities? Were my opinions correct?
Eventually, adherence to authority became optional.
The surprise was in that groups more often left me, instead of me leaving them.
Trust was a frequent casualty of these crises of loyalty. Trust that had been demanded and freely given, no longer satisfied. The goalposts of relationships were being moved, and at some point, acceptance of these changes could no longer be honored.
Nothing personal, but if I cannot trust you anymore, our business is concluded.
Funny how it always seemed to get personal as the group lost control over the individual.
Relationship Red Flags
Even though we are often working through groups, I still find it funny how human foibles always seem to bubble up to the surface. Looking at social media posts, a majority of which seem to be made by folks with the emotional maturity of middle school children.
“My side of the argument can beat up your side of the argument!”
As government authorities weigh in with commentary at a similar juvenile levels, my trust in institutions and individuals quickly eroded and a healthy skepticism of most everything has developed.
As a caregiver, this puts me in a new place. Where I used to step up whenever asked, I now pause to consider circumstances a moment. A willingness to say “no” and walk away becomes essential.
The presence of any emotional stakes in a disagreement, like name calling, and the decision to call it a day is clearcut. Disengaging from arguments that others want to have on their own terms is a rational choice.
Call it Self-Preservation 101.
Getting Dropped
In bicycle racing, there is the term of being “dropped”. This occurs when a rider, or riders, fall behind and are left by the leaders. Sometimes by design, sometimes by circumstance, but being left behind by those excelling is a natural life experience.
As a caregiver, I developed a tough love approach to people. I protect the vulnerable but everyone has the opportunities to decide for themselves. Decisions always have consequences.
Letting people make decisions that do not benefit them is fair. Rescuing people from those decisions is optional.
Maybe it is from growing older in the political climate of recent years, but my tolerance for the poor performances of others wanes.
Everyone deserves a second chance. There are no third chances.
I am learning to leave people and groups alone. No shame. No anger. Just alone with your own choices.
I will not be back.
A Point of Balance
I am finding that sometimes separation from certain others is the best medicine. It energizes me to take actions that I had not previously considered. I grow as a result.
I was once involved in organized labor at my job. I was pushed to leave (I had never experienced the flying monkeys of frightened opposition before) and eventually left as one cannot help those who refuse the help. This push away by the group made me look critically at the group and I eventually saw a larger picture that I would have never found if I had stayed.
The long story short is that it is okay to leave a group behind. Independence is a strong suit that is tailored to the individual. It is about self worth.
Wear it proudly.
“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”― Michel de Montaigne
Dad's Back 