Arguments may not be the first thing you think of when caring for a loved one, but it is one of those really, really useful skills we develop along the way. In fact, we get pretty good at it, whether we intended to or not.
I can hear many of you cutting straight to denial and saying, “I don’t argue”.
We have all heard the phrase about “we can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way”. If all we’ve known is the easy way, learning the hard way to argue is intimidating at first but surprisingly simple to pick up. It’s a handy skill too!
As a former introvert who was terrified of engaging in any sort of disagreement, I can attest to the transformative power of caregiving and developing expertise in verbally taking on all comers. Arguing fires up your creative juices and plants your feet firmly on the ground – if you are doing it right.
Ground Rules
The basis of our arguments, whether with your loved one or an outside agency, is that you are not here to win. The media have been presenting some all-or-nothing “rules” about arguments lately. Disagreement is about getting your point across in a way that you can achieve your own goals. For most of us, these goals are advocating for the care of our loved one.
If you are out to win at all costs, it will cost you much more than you bargained. Keep your eye on the bigger picture and expect some compromise.
This is not to say that a strong argument isn’t sometimes an excellent strategy. I have had my fair share of toe-to-toe debates with burned out civil servants and air-headed salesclerks over support services for a loved one. These exchanges are also oddly calming and empowering when the stakes are important.
As gratifying as such arguments might be, I have never found the justification for such a fight with my loved one. These arguments are far more nuanced and require a lot of patience and creativity.
Practical Considerations
First off, it is time to suck it up, grow up, and work your problem. When the argument is with your loved one (cognitive deficits may also play into the conversations), not being right when you desperately want to be is often a good outcome. (Did I ever mention that humility is a large part of caregiving?)
Arguments about low stakes situations (think: getting a dawdling someone to finish getting dressed in order to leave for an appointment) are handled as you would running a marathon – endurance wins the day. Check your expectations and allow yourself to be wrong, especially when you know that you are right.
Humility provides us with the golden opportunity to grow personally. By taking on the challenge to tackle an issue in a creative way, we have the chance to redefine roles and purpose of the argument. As uncomfortable as the idea may make you feel, we must outsmart the person we are caring for. When this is a parent or authority figure, it is a tough but necessary adaptation.
Check that ego of yours because it will not be needed beyond this point.
An Ouch Point
In preparing mentally for an argument, there is some point around the taking command stage (that infernal parenting of a parent action) that really starts to bug me. The caregiver job demands a willingness to be the bad guy and bargain from a decidedly not-a-nice-guy position.
(If this was a comfortable character, we would not be caregivers in the first place because we would have bailed out long ago.)
This has never been a warm and cozy fit for me, so if it feels a little tight and scratchy to you to, that is normal. Acceptance of our job is sometimes more work than we prefer but we do it anyway.
Building Your Arguments
Hollywood and political portrayals notwithstanding, arguments are not necessarily loud one-offs.
Not being a naturally argumentative person, I came upon this insight a bit later in my career. Sometimes the most effective strategy to accomplishing your goals is to circle back around and approach the subject again from a different perspective. (Be creative!) Things like driving privileges may be better addressed through an incremental series of gentle non-threatening conversations instead of a knockdown/drag-out that will result in a draw.
Never underestimate the resolve of your loved one. They may not be able to toilet themselves, but they will take you to the mat over any overt attempt to take over their lives. Let them win some small disputes in order that you might win the important ones.
Reasoning is also far less effective when the parties are emotional. Some of my best winning arguments have been when no one was visibly upset. Even in the face of cognitive deficits, middle ground can sometimes be found for agreement. You just have to fish around to find the combination that works.
White Lies
One technique that I share reluctantly is the use of little fictions with our parent’s childlike thinking. Lying was never an act that was tolerated in my own childhood (I am also terrible at it too) but I have found that it does have its applications when administered with kindness.
Painting a positive picture for a loved one, as opposed to sharing a much harsher reality of their decline, can be a difficult task. (The song lyrics of “Tap dancing on a landmine” come readily to mind.) To kindle ideas that we are preparing them to reenter a difficult world, knowing that we really are not, gives hope. False hope, true but hope, nonetheless.
The loved one may even be wise to the deception, but it is a pleasant deception.
I remember discussions Dad and I had about how, even with a leg amputation, he was looking forward to buying a car that would be outfitted to accommodate his disability. I had already sold his car to pay off his indebtedness and knew that his residence in assisted living pretty much defined his future, but we enjoyed the exchange. I could have said “no” and corrected his perceptions but instead the conversation was an upbeat fiction that satisfied both of us.
Perspective
We in no way resemble a superhero. A caregiver is always a human being struggling with challenges. From these experiences we grow and become fulfilled as a person.
Learning to fight with and for the best interests of another builds character and gives our own lives a quality that cannot be obtained in any other fashion.
Bless us all.
“The most important tactic in an argument next to being right is to leave an escape hatch for your opponent so that he can gracefully swing over to your side without an embarrassing loss of face.”
― Stephen Jay Gould
Dad's Back 