Denial is such a handy response to Life’s challenges. I’ve used it in any number of situations. Probably overused it. Guess that makes me human. Good to know.
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discussed the all-too-human reaction of denial as the first step in our processing of grief. I have found that this model also holds true for other traumas, including our often sudden promotion to the role of caregiver. You will go through all of the steps in the model but we generally start with denial.
Guilty
My response to the situation was sure consistent with the denial model. A crisis was at my doorstep and I was trying to find any way clear of that wave of fear that came in with the responsibilities to a loved one. It is a legitimate place to be and a set of problems that you are sure requires super powers to solve. Wanting to hunker down until it all passes makes perfect sense. Denial is an easy first step. Not practical but easy.
Like when you close your eyes during a nightmare in the hopes that you will wake up, the same awesomeness is still waiting for you when you do. Reality sure is a persistent booger.
A Durable Barometer
During my emotional experiences of grad school, I performed regular reality checks. These self-talks were partly motivated out of attention to detail and partly out of concern that I might actually be losing my mind. (If you’re not questioning your sanity in those circumstances, you’re not paying attention to what’s happening!)
At several points during the process, usually after a particularly difficult day, I would have an honest sit-down conversation with myself. I had only one question and my ground rules were that it be an honest answer in response.
“Is this still what you want to be doing?”
Yes or no were the only available answers and the answer was due immediately. Gut check to verify that I was still invested in the commitment. In retrospect, if you are not questioning yourself regularly, you’ve missed an important point. Better to doubt during your journey than arrive at your destination and find that it is not where you want to be.
My initial head response was a well-intentioned “Hell no” but my inner self would override the denial and say yes. Possessing a firstborn’s overdeveloped sense of responsibility sure has spoiled a lot of fun situations for me over the years but I wouldn’t be where I am without it. Years later and I still perform these checks. They are helpful.
Veteran Talk
I was talking with a colleague recently and she shared the familiar story of her parent’s decline and how different family members were providing different levels of support to the parent. Confusing times.
I lent an empathetic ear. I offered some perspective and welcomed her to the club of caregivers. The very adamant denial I received spoke volumes.
“I’m not a caregiver. Nope, nope, nope.”
All I could do was smile to myself and leave the conversation where it lay. Current political conversations notwithstanding, one cannot argue someone into accepting another’s perspective. I knew where she was and it is a tough place to live. I can only be there for her.
Safe Place
Denial offers us all some short-term safety from things and feelings that are truly frightening. For caregivers, any unfinished personal business with the family member is on the table along with all of the logistics of the moment. Lots of work any way you cut it. We will ignore, deny, and bargain to make the situation change but in the end it is us who changes.
As our acceptance of our situation develops (hopefully) over time, we arrive at a place where we no longer try to fool ourselves. We arrive at ourselves, which, as it turns out, is a pretty cool place to be.
“The human mind isn’t a terribly logical or consistent place. Most people, given the choice to face a hideous or terrifying truth or to conveniently avoid it, choose the convenience and peace of normality. That doesn’t make them strong or weak people, or good or bad people. It just makes them people.”
– Jim Butcher
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