Letting go of feelings that hold us to trauma is so stupidly simple to do yet ends up being incredibly difficult to practice. Must be some cosmic rule in play here. Wish I had a copy of the book.
Events that we view as being traumatic, happen to us all of the time. We lose something we would rather have. A valued possession, a particular lifestyle, even a person – all can produce a wondrous emotional response when we lose control of them.
My personally favorite emotion to embrace and not let go of is anger. That holding of feeling close in gives me a sense of control in situations that lack my control. If I can’t feel the feelings I wanted, I’m going to make sure I feel this one.
Sound familiar?
Families for Dummies
Caring for family is full of opportunities to get ticked off. Family members don’t always decide or do things in their best interest – according to me, that is. Can we say “control freak”?
Heck. Just being in a family is usually enough to produce differences of opinion that devolve into grudges of long standing. I have family who are still angry at me for things neither of us remember. Add in some caregiving, with all of those institutions and their bureaucratic frustrations. What’s not to be angry about?
We understand how we end up perceiving frustrations as personal insults is easy. The insidious part is the costs of carrying around that extra emotions. Being angry all of the time produces physiological changes that can come back to bite us later.
Letting Go 101
As a child of divorce, I had plenty to be angry about. A childhood rudely interrupted. Stuck in the middle ground between struggling parents. Shared custody. Nothing making sense.
So many uncontrollable factors to try and control.
Years down the road, I encountered one of these self-help groups that provided some new age self-actualization techniques while trying to recruit me into what I think is best described as a cult. (Come join us. We can help. Don’t forget to sign up for our advanced classes. Cash, checks and major credit cards accepted.)
One night’s homework assignment was to take a strong memory and forgive everyone involved in it. Easier said than done but I engaged the 25-year-old memory of a parent, emotional baggage and all. Once I had a firm intellectual grip on all of the emotions I associated with events, I let go.
Wow.
The years of connection with memory just dissolved, and so did I for the rest of that evening. I had never experienced such a catharsis before. Attachment to traumatic events was severed. The events did not change but how I chose to respond to them had. Simple but profound.
Forgiving parents, siblings, the world, and myself in the same sitting was a transformative. The proverbial weight was lifted but there was something more. I was changed. I was lighter.
I was growing up.
Worth the Effort
Letting go is still my go-to self-reflection tool of growth. Claiming ownership to only what belong to me is still a learning process for me. I am still growing. Oddly enough, some family members are put off by the results. Somehow, I should be suffering under the weight of years of guilt and anger – just like them.
There is true power is in saying no thank you to the offer.
Reconnecting with Mom after all those years of estrangement has been priceless. Life is certainly too short to be angry at all of the disappointments that life has in store for us. You’ll miss the point of being here in the first place.
Dad's Back 