Caregivers are the greatest! We perform under challenging circumstances and learn to excel at advocating for our loved ones. Taking care of ourselves however, the results are a little more mixed.
Many years ago, I worked in what was then called “Social Services”. The industry has undergone a number of brand re-images since then but the label that everyone easily identifies is “welfare”.
As a naive twenty-something at the time, I grew up fast in the work. This was the only job I ever held that challenged me to go into work each morning. I watched coworkers leave for lunch and never return to the job. This job changed you.
From the experience I discovered that while it was a demanding profession, how you chose to respond to the stresses was entirely up to the individual. The menu was however pretty short.
You could get tough. Heck, everyone in the office was tough. You had to be to survive. The tough I am talking about is the hardened battle-axe type that adopted the philosophy that nothing in life is worthwhile and ya’ll can go stick it in your ear!
You could save the world. These were the folks that would selectively decide that some clients were more deserving than others. Rules were interpreted as something to be manipulated. All they did was generally create unnecessary work for others and upset the clients.
You could get good. This adaptation is probably where most of us functioned. We got along to get along, not wanting anymore drama than what normally walked into the office to find you. You were good at what you did but you were in survival mode the whole way. We were civil servants, in the truest sense of the term.
So what did welfare work have to do with becoming a caregiver? Surprisingly, everything.
In adapting to caregiving duties, I once again found myself slipping into one or more of these general attitudes. Depending on the situation at hand, I could conjure up an appropriate personality type to get the job done. Salesperson giving me a hard time? Bring on the tough. Just need to plow through bureaucratic work? The civil servant could still handle the work.
The point of this story is that I was lucky in that I had some useful skills when I stepped up to care for family. Many caregivers are new to so many responsibilities, much less managing the array that go with helping family.
You can get angry. Anger is part and parcel to being a caregiver. We get angry at various times for various reasons. The key is to work through it to the other side. Staying angry doesn’t work. Really.
You can be afraid. This is awesome work and being afraid is part of the deal but staying afraid doesn’t work. At some point you need to pick up and carry on.
You can get stronger. This is the most constructive use of the experience. While we participate in the other two emotions, we don’t unpack our luggage and move in there. Here is where we can make a positive out of a difficult situation.
The choice is always there for us. When we don’t take charge, we risk harm to ourselves. So no matter what our respective situations, we all have the choice of how we will respond.
We can also change our minds if we like. The important thing is to remember that we do have power and we can use the situation to grow.
And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.
―Haruki Murakami
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