“And all of the important papers… you know… the will and life insurance papers are in the oval table in the living room”, Dad reminded me for the third time that morning.
“I know Dad”, I said, trying to add a calming inflection to my voice.
“You’ve done a great job getting things ready. If I don’t know where something is, I’ll check with you after the surgery.”
Dad and I went through variations of this little scene many times over a thirty year period. Every time Dad’s doctors decided that yet another procedure or test that would solve conclusively all of his health problems. The risks would be considerable to a man in his poor state of health but the possible benefits were always a shining light in the distance.
The only consistent effect all of this provided was that it periodically frightened an older man and his family half to death. Dad started to speak of his imminent demise at the hands of the surgeon so many times that he eventually started to prefer the story. The greater the risk to the procedure, the more he favored its use. The irony is that when the end came, there was no opportunity to go out in that blaze of glory on the operating table because modern medicine had nothing to offer. They couldn’t even come close to “fixing” what had gone wrong. Nature won.
As good and bad are two sides of the same coin, it was these little dramas that brought my father and I together in ways that we probably would not have otherwise found. We became partners and confidants in conversations that ran deep and wide. Eventually the roles began that slow, steady reversal and the son started to comfort and advise the father.
After a lifetime of difficulties that seemed monumental to him, Dad had chosen a road of rehashing decisions that hindsight showed should have been different. Embracing the guilt and regret of these different events became a central purpose in Life.
Dad taught me, even when he didn’t intend to. One of the greatest lesson was to find ways to resolve your disappointments in Life. Leave the emotional baggage at the door. Get out there and experience Life in all of its absurd and beautiful variations.
Life is too short.
Growth comes from change and change is what caregiving demands from us.
- With change comes the confidence that we we did the right thing, even if we find that we could have done something different later.
- With change comes the courage to take on anything in Life and know that we can handle it.
- With change comes the knowledge that we helped.
“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.”
― John Bunyan
Dad's Back 